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Battle Royale: French Monarchs

Ben Clarke and Eliza Sommers

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Passing judgement on all the Kings and Emperors of France from Clovis to Napoleon III. Each episode, Ben recounts the story of a monarch to Eliza, then together they decide on how to score them in 5 categories. But who will they select as the crème de la crème, and who will they send to the Guillotine? Proudly inspired by the Rex Factor podcast.
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Geek Battle Royale

Geek Battle Royale

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Home of everything geek! Geek Battle Royale is a website by geeks, for geeks. We cover everything from comics, to gaming, to film, to cartoons and television, to toys. We have several shows that will be steaming to this feed in the near future, but for now Goin' Down the Road is our frontrunner. 'Goin Down The Road' : Join hosts Chase (AKA Moonbase10) and Blake as they wax nostalgic about general geekery from their childhood. A Mini-Cast, split into three weekly parts each and ended with a t ...
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Um, so, *clears throat* k, so today we are going to be talking about how the battle royale genre has taken over the video game community. Cover art photo provided by Callum Wale on Unsplash: https://unsplash.com/@callumlwale
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From unwanted daughter to first lady of France, this episode we chart the gradual rise of Louise of Savoy - the mother, mentor and "great regent" of King Francis I. We'll see how she measures up to other French rulers of her time, and see whether she gets to sit in the VIP Box with our other impressive matriarchs. ⚜️ Visit our Wordpress for episode…
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Now that we've done his life, let's pass judgement on Louis XII, AKA the Porcupine! Does he deserve a place among the great kings of French history, or is he just another snack for the guillotine? ⚜️ Visit our Wordpress for episode images, score summaries, contact details and more! Make sure you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or where…
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After a life spent in second place to his royal cousins, how will the Duke of Orléans fare with his new promotion to King of France? Stay tuned for Part 2, where we discuss Louis's legacy and rate him, with special appearances from porcupines, vipers and bees (oh my!). ⚜️ Visit our Wordpress for episode images, score summaries, contact details and …
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In Part 2, we learn of Anne's second marriage and her ultimate fate! Does she deserve the score she got? Were the unicorn tapestries inspired by her? Was she the Taylor Swift of her time? Flock to our social media and let us know! Visit our Wordpress for episode images, score summaries, contact details and more! Make sure you leave us a review on A…
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This episode, we take a brief detour from the Valois boys to visit gorgeous Brittany and give our latest queen, Anne, her own episode, as she was also a fierce ruler in her own right, and fought for her independence from a very young age. In Part 1, we learn about Anne's early life, her dangerous liaisons with the Austrian Hapsburgs, and her compli…
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As we reach the shocking end of Charles the Affable, we'll see how he measures up to his fellow kings of France. ⚜️ Visit our Wordpress for episode images, score summaries, contact details and more! Make sure you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen. You can also support the show on Patreon! Join the official Angry Mo…
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Charles VIII's exciting and storied reign takes us on an adventure (i.e. invasion) of Italy at the height of the Renaissance and all the soap-opera-worthy drama of the Medici, Sforza and Borgia families. In Part 1, we learn what led him to this fateful expedition, and how he did with his great ambition to conquer the Kingdom of Naples. Apologies fo…
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It's time for us to close up a loose end and finally announce the winner of the Regency of Madness mini-tournament. And to help refresh our memories, Ben has also trapped Eliza in a quiz! So put on your thinking chapeaux, and get ready for some Valois trivia. SPOILERS (obviously) for everything that happened in our Regency of Madness miniseries. We…
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Also called Anne de Beaujeu or Madame la Grande, this princess inherited all the best traits of her father the Universal Spider. Like him she was cunning and ruthless, yet she also had an eye for art and literature, updating the court for the new Renaissance era. Sadly for France, as a woman she would never become queen, but she did rule the realm …
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Louis XI, the Universal Spider, is perhaps the ultimate antihero. We've rooted for him every step of the way as he takes down his enemies and returns France to its former glory. But how will this translate in his scores? Will he beat Charles VII, the father he loathed? And will he be deemed worthy to escape the guillotine? ⚜️ Visit our Wordpress fo…
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France may be out of the Hundred Years' War, but it's not out of the woods, and none knows this better than the suspicious, cynical and sinister character that is Louis XI. After an early life spent bickering with his father and fellow princes, Louis comes to the throne with a vengeance. But will his ambitions get the better of him? Next episode, t…
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We hope you are all enjoying the festive season! We have a very special Christmas present for you all this year, and it's the gift of the scandal, skullduggery and saucy shenanigans that are in store as we commence our much-anticipated spinoff series ranking all the official mistresses of France from Agnès Sorel to Madame du Barry. Thank you to Rob…
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He may be "Charles the Victorious", for finally ending the Hundred Years' War, but this king has a somewhat mixed reputation among historians. This episode, we learn what happened after Joan of Arc and the Regents of Madness, and how France recovered from a century of devastation. ⚜️ Visit our Wordpress for episode images, score summaries, contact …
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It's all downhill from here.🔥 ⚜️ Recommended reading from this episode: Helen Castor, Joan of Arc: A History Larissa Juliet Taylor, The Virgin Warrior: The Life and Death of Joan of Arc Nancy Goldstone, The Maid and the Queen: The Secret History of Joan of Arc ⚜️ Visit our Wordpress for episode images, score summaries, contact details and more! Mak…
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The Maid of Orléans is well-known for having taken the intricate chessboard of the Hundred Years' War, tipped it upside down, kicked it across a field and scored a game-changing goal for the Blues after decades of decline. In the first of her well-earned 2-parter, we follow Joan of Arc's rise to prominence from peasant to saviour, and conclude at t…
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It's now time to review the life and deeds of the "mad king" himself, Charles VI. In this episode, we talk about what the king was like before his mental illness took over, and what the darkest period of the Hundred Years' War was like from his tragic perspective. ⚜️ Music used in this episode: "Virtutes Instrumenti", "Lagoa v2" Kevin MacLeod (inco…
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Our final two Regents of Madness bring the Hundred Year's War to its apotheosis. Henry V's brother Bedford was Charles VI's regent at the very end of his life, but Ben has uncovered that this English occupier was so much more than just a villain in our story. Meanwhile Veronica from Passed Podcast joins us once again, this time to take us through C…
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Katy from Queens Podcast joins us for the showdown of showdowns: Isabeau VS Yolande, the Queen of France VS the "Queen of Four Kingdoms". As we go through their lives, we see the Hundred Years' War from the women's perspective and address some of the most controversial aspects of these queens' lives - from Isabeau's alleged affair during her husban…
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Get your tickets for Intelligent Speech Online (November 4th 2023) and use discount code ROYALE Josh Zucker from the Grand Dukes of the West podcast joins us to talk about yet another Duke of Burgundy, John the Fearless. And while John may not match his father for statecraft or shrewdness, he more than makes up for it in scandaliciousness. How will…
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Veronica from Passed podcast joins us for our second foray into the regents of Charles VI. This time, we're covering his two remaining uncles. Veronica will cover Louis II, Duke of Bourbon (the nice uncle) while Ben covers John, Duke of Berry (the fun uncle). Which of them will Eliza deem to be the superior regent? While Bourbon looks out for his n…
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Josh Zucker from the Grand Dukes of the West podcast joins us for the first episode in our 5-part miniseries on the regents of King Charles VI of France. This episode, we're pitting Josh's candidate Philip of Burgundy against Ben's candidate Louis of Orléans, and seeing which of them Eliza deems to be the supreme regent. In this episode, we'll see …
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Go to intelligentspeechonline.com to get your early bird tickets for 4 November! And stay tuned for more announcements about when Ben will be speaking and what his topic will be. Remember to use the discount code "Royale" to get a further 10% off! ⚜️ Visit our Wordpress for episode images, score summaries, contact details and more! Make sure you le…
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To celebrate both the National Day of France and the second anniversary of the podcast, Ben is running a game of Dungeons and Dragons with Eliza and three special guests, inspired by the beast of Gévaudan, the legend of Saint Ulphia, and numerous other easter eggs from the podcast which astute listeners can find! Check out Roberto’s podcasts Histor…
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In the second half of our Charles V episode, we give him his scores and decide whether or not he should be admitted to the Battle Royale Tournament. In this episode, we get to see in great detail what Charles's court was like, thanks to the writing of Christine de Pizan (A WOMAN?!), plus we delve into some trouble in paradise between him and his co…
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The Hundred Years' War rages on, and the young Dauphin Charles upon becoming king is one of the most scrawny, disease-addled kings we've ever had. But with some strategic alliances, some tax reforms, and a bit of help from a random knight emerging from the woods, he just might be able to turn this ship around. Listen to the end for "Pope Slap 2: Re…
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How good was John the Good? Despite his dedication to honour and chivalry, John's reign is a hot mess, starting with the first outbreak of the Black Death, escalating into a murderous blood feud with Charles the Bad, and ending with a fun "holiday" with the Black Prince. Is John's personal courage and hutzpah enough to get him into the tournament, …
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There's SO MUCH to cover in this episode! We didn't plan for a 2-parter and the recording ended up being very long, so we put a poll across our social media (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram) and a narrow majority voted for us to release it all at once, so DEAL WITH IT. You'll hear a snippet of Gustav Holst's "Mars" (performed by the Liverpool Philharm…
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As the final capstone to the Direct Capetian Kings of France, we've invited Gary from THE French History podcast to talk power centralisation, the Crusade craze and the original Louvre fortress. We also get Ben recapping our history in a bad Scottish accent, and Eliza airing a controversial opinion about the Supermario brothers. In 2 weeks we will …
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Before we delve into the Valois kings and the Hundred Years' War, it's time to take a breath and have a look back at the dynasty of Hugh Capet, and how they've compared to kings that came before. This latest series of episodes has certainly had its share of dark horses and shocking upsets. To follow our discussion today and see how all our kings an…
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Born into scandal and passed over for the throne several times, Little Jeannette finally got herself a throne at the age of 16, albeit not the one she had probably wanted... Nonetheless, Joan made the best of a bad situation and proved herself just as good as (if not better than) her male usurpers... that is, until a certain plague came knocking. M…
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In 1325, the Queen of England returns to her native France, and this time the She-Wolf is out for blood... Oh, and Charles IV is also here! Will the runt of the Capetian litter be able to break the Curse of the Templars? Well, the short answer is a big fat NOPE. With the Hundred Years' War and the Black Death right around the corner, the omens are …
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Philip the Tall is not only built like a maypole, but has some fantastic ideas about how to get France out of its crisis period. As the middle son of the great Philip IV, he may have been overlooked in his youth, but now it's time for him to step over the corpse of his infant nephew, shove aside his 4-year-old niece and claim the crown for himself.…
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John the Posthumous (born after the death of his father) had a long and successful reign. The end. We also have a quiz this episode! Have a look on our Wordpress for the quiz questions and this episode's Enchanté Images. ⚜️ Make sure you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen! You can also support the show on: Ko-Fi, wh…
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Louis "le Hutin" (the Turbulent, Quarrelsome or Stubborn) is yet another Louis with big shoes to fill - both from his formidable father Philip IV and from his zealous namesake Saint Louis IX. But Louis has very little time to deal with famines, curses and civil unrest. He's too busy playing his favourite new sport: tennis! As if he didn't have enou…
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Philip the Fair, also called "the Iron King", is about to prove himself a real dark horse in our little competition! Quiet but cunning, from a young age he proved himself a very prudent man but not afraid to execute ruthless moves when he needed to. As well as fighting wars on all fronts, Philip consolidated and improved upon the gains of previous …
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Joan I became Queen of Navarre at 18 months old, and Queen of France at 12 years old. Due to her age and gender, she was prevented from taking a very active role in either kingdom. Her life saw an endless barrage of men trying to dim her light - from the cold man she married, to the foes invading her lands, to the vindictive bishop who may have cur…
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Eliza is under the weather, but we didn't want to leave you guys without an episode! So we're taking a break from the 13th Century and going back into the 1st... BC. This is a special release of our Patreon episode about Vercingetorix, King of the Gauls, who unified his people and fought to the bitter end against the conquest of Julius Caesar. Join…
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Philip the Bold's reign doesn't get off to a great start. Not only is his father dead, but he is sick with dysentery, losing a siege on the failed Eighth Crusade. Once he's made his way back to France, will he be able to do his father's legacy justice, or will dysentery once again get the last laugh? Back in Paris, Philip's court is rife with facti…
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When Louis IX comes of age, taking over from his mother and regent Blanche, France finds itself at the apex of its medieval golden age. The young king manages to prove his mettle fending off English invasions and internal rebellions, bringing the royal domain's power to new heights. But kings rarely age gracefully... When thoughts turn to a risky a…
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More than just a stop-gap between Louis VIII and IX, Blanche of Castile proved definitively that a woman could not only rule France but lead its armies and redefine its culture. She was the granddaughter of Eleanor of Aquitaine, who hand-picked her as a daughter-in-law to Philip Augustus, whose legacy she would uphold in the face of numerous threat…
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This week, we get to know King Louis I of England. Yep, you heard that right! But his role as the Capetian who just about became King of England in the days of Robin Hood isn't the only fascinating thing about Louis the Lion's life. Though he was the heir for many years and king for very few, Louis manages to cram a lot of action into one life. And…
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This week we invited on our resident librarian Elspeth Olson to talk one of our biggest mutual interests: fairy tales! Ben and Elspeth each tell a tale from 17th Century author Charles Perrault about horrifically wronged women, while Eliza branches out with a Japanese fairy tale about a woman who got a revenge of demonic proportions! We swear, this…
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In the second episode on Philip II's jam-packed reign, we step back and look at the broader picture, considering how Philip ruled, the impact he made on France, and whether he truly deserved the epithet "Augustus". He quadroupled the royal domain, he cleaned up the city of Paris and he ushered in a cultural golden age. But his dealings with the Jew…
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Though he's often overshadowed by his flashy ex-boyfriend Richard the Lionheart, Philip II is one of the most famous medieval kings for a reason. So much happens in his reign, that he is the first monarch since Charlemagne who gets a two-part episode! But things aren't looking good for France at the end of Louis VII's llacklustre reign, which saw t…
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Our seventh Louis, called Louis the Young, is overshadowed by practically everyone around him (his dad, his wife, his vassals, his friends, his enemies... the list goes on). But as times go, the middle of the 12th Century was certainly an interesting one. In this episode, once Louis VII gets back from his disastrous crusade and finally splits with …
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Our most anticipated episode for some time has finally arrived! In this episode, we examine Eleanor's life outside of the English perspective through which she is too often seen. We mainly look at her relationship with her first husband Louis VII and her role as Duchess of Aquitaine in her own right. Is Eleanor truly great enough to sit among our V…
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Louis the Fat was so much more than an unflattering nickname. He owes a lot to his chronicler and best bro Suger for building his reputation as the first truly great Capetian king. But is that a reputation he lives up to? Find out this episode... Visit our Wordpress for episode images, score summaries, contact details and more! Make sure you leave …
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King Philip the Amorous got his name for following his heart rather than his head, which of course got him into big trouble with the church. The chronicler monks (often from rival principalities) got carte-blanche to drag him through the mud more ruthlessly than Regina George could have dreamed of (Mean GIrls is required viewing for this podcast, b…
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She may now be a symbol of friendship between France and Ukraine, but who was the real Anne of Kyiv? In 1060, the sophisticated and gentlehearted Anne of Kyiv finds herself a widowed queen in a strange land. She has a duty to rule in her son Philip's name, yet she is tempted into a potential scandal by the infamous Ralph of Crépy. Find out what bec…
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It's been 1 year since our god-awful first episode was released, and we are once again celebrating la fête nationale, this time with guests! We've pulled out all the stops for an international panel of RexyPods (podcasts with formats inspired by Rex Factor) that are also coming up to their first birthday. The six of us hosts discuss our process whe…
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