Pierre's giant red hands quivered as he held aloft the parchment. He read the words again and again and even double checked his addition. There was no mistake. A bead of sweat fell from his forehead and splashed onto his baseball-glove sized hand. He leant back in his chair and began to rock back and forth repeating the same phrase over and over ag…

Bready or not, it's Peter's week! It's time to pop on your favourite Peter jumper, roll out of bread, and head on downstairs to see what baked treats St Peter has bestowed upon you. So raise a loaf and toast with us, "Merry Crustmas one and all!" It'll all make sense in the end - it always does... Dough-ho-ho! /// patreon.com/wapin7 - Fight the cur…

Pour yourself a final cup of mud and saddle up your favourite pig, cow or even perhaps horse, because it's time to continue forwards, onwards, in the direction of travel! That way! Go! It's a good day to die (finally!) - the sun is shining, the orders are ready, and the enemy is present. We've got everything we need for a traumatic, poorly executed…

It's raining; it's pouring. The old, potentially dead man, is snoring. Nick went to war and found a pub, When exactly will we be warring?! /// patreon.com/wapin7 - Fight the curse... with money! wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Rate us, the curse would hate that! instagram.com/wapin7podcast - See us, free us! (from the curse) tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble emai…

Bags. We thought we knew everything there was to know about them. We thought we'd been inside them all. But what if I told you there was one more bag, one special bag no one had ever seen before - let alone opened. What if this bag held the power to change everything? Designed by Russia's only human pea this bag could change the war, Andy Pandy, ma…

Ok, so there's one giant bag and inside that bag there are 9 sub-bags. Each of these 9 sub-bags, apart from bag 9, has other smaller bags inside them - think of them as sub-sub-bags. Oh, and these bags are filled with people and each bag, including sub-bags and maybe sub-sub-bags, are in competition with each other. What are the bags and their many…

Napoleon, we've seen him wild with anger, we've seen him quiver with rage, we've seen him snuff with impunity. Now it's time to see Napoleon calm as a clam - a clam that also happens to control one of the world's most significant military forces. Fresh from a light ride, and with his full-bodied narcissistic fury bottled safely and healthily inside…

We start with three noble Barry’s: Barry the Bugler, Barry the Bodyguard and Barry the Burger (horse). Will the Barry’s successfully escort their leader, who might also be called Barry, along the yellow brick road to find out who’s behind the curtain? Will they succeed? Will they successfully stop the war? Or will they each get a faceful of snuff? …

Don't be coconut shy, come on down to the WAPIN7 Fête! We've got dodgems, teacup rides and a coconut shy! Plus an area to sell secondhand goods. It must be fate. Fancy some candy floss?! Well, the machine is broken so you can't have any. Oh, and we're off to war... Again. /// patreon.com/wapin7 - Emerge from the shadows and support the podcast! wap…

We're back for Book 9 and boy is this going to be bad! Not the podcast, cross our saucy little fingers, but the world of War and Peace. It's been way too long since we heard from that Napoleon chap and we really got the feeling that he wasn't quite finished last time. Plus we've had quite a bit of peace recently, which makes the title of the book q…

What do you get when you mix the 'wrong type' of bees, a sentient half-dressed bear with a penchant for honey and a child with a gun and a really really nice balloon? Why, you get the Season 8 special book episode of WAPIN7, is what you get! And probably an extremely serious concussion which would require immediate medical attention. Onwards! To As…

It's time for the Season 8 Catch-Up Quiz and boy do we have some questions for you! There are pictures of comets, AI-generated nightmare art, varying degrees of slug speed accuracy and of course a question about the Smurfs. How does this all link to book 8 of War and Peace? There's only one way to find out... Onwards! *Cue Gameshow Music /// Full l…

The time has finally come - the end of another book is upon us. Gather round slugs, worms, maggots and humans young, old and slimy as we seamlessly complete character arcs, wrap up storylines, culminate journeys literal and figurative, and generally tie up loose ends in this decisive season finale. The slug square is positively quivering with antic…

What happens when you add one more side to a love triangle? What happens when one of those sides is an actual slug? A slug who was hell-bent on abducting one of the sides of the square! We promise you this all makes perfect sense. Maybe pour yourself a long drink a take a good slug... /// patreon.com/wapin7 - Slip into action and support the podsli…

Incredibly attractive as they may be, slugs are typically not known for their speed or for their clever plans. Today that all changes. Prepare to meet the slug who has it all... great looks, sure (like all slugs), but also an incredible mensa level planning intellect, and exclusive access to the fastest transport system this side of Prussia. He's g…

I kissed a slug, and I liked it Taste of its slime... surprising I kissed a slug, just to try it I hope my fiance don't mind it It felt so wrong, it felt so right Don't mean I'm a gastropod tonight I smooched a slug and I liked it (I liked it) /// patreon.com/wapin7 - Slip into action and support the podslime! wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Slime a quick r…

Slugs: the familiar garden beastie known for their gelatinous trails, unsightly appearance and voracious love of salad. 19th century Russian slugs were a little different - around 6ft tall they were known to roam in pairs, using their incredible influence and good looks to lure unsuspecting victims into questionable slime related situations. Today …

Why does the Devil have a saucepan son and why are they dancing? What's wrong with the King's arms? Why is he also dancing? Why is their world made entirely of cardboard? I wish we could answer those questions but unfortunately we just have more: why is the audience slowly getting naked, why is everyone screaming, will Natasha - or for that fact an…

If we want to understand why pure, inescapable sadness has descended on what was once a happy, albeit somewhat violent and troubling book, we must go back in time. Way, way, way back, all the way to Book 7 and ask ourselves some hard questions - what went wrong? Is anyone to blame? Could over indulgence of sauce or other condiments possibly be the …

Sure, being sad is sad. We can't deny it. It feels bad, it feels really quite sad in fact. But what if the only way to conquer sadness is to be even more sad? What if you could have so much sadness that sadness itself would become sad and spit you out? It's a bold idea, sadness would never expect that. Join us this week as we try once again to vanq…

You thought you knew sad? You know, sad... that feeling you get when you realise you've eaten the last crisp and there won't be any more crisps tonight, or when you have a shower and the hot water runs out, or even when you're on a call and the WiFi drops off and you don't know why. Sad, very sad indeed. But it turns out things can be even sadder t…

We're back with a sadness bomb and some problems as old as time... Can frivolous spending, clubbing and drinking to excess improve your health, mental wellbeing and outlook on life? What would you do if you had loads of money and lost your joie de vivre? Would you ride an elephant around your town to make your neighbours jealous? Would you cover yo…

The name's Jimbo, Jimbo Secretan, Her Magesty's Ornothologist and best gambler in Britain. Yes that's right it's time for the final special episode of Season 7 - this time it's a matter of national importance and there's only one man fit for the job. He likes to drink heavily, smoke like a trumpet, and by gosh can he gamble his way out of a corner.…

Join us for this incredibly special centenary episode of WAPIN7 - an unbelivable milestone for us, you, Tolstoy and surprisingly the animals of London Zoo. Chosen by our Patrons, the Zoo is of course the obvious place to go for this commemorative - likely collectable - episode and it's the natural venue to host a quiz about War and Peace. We've got…

GHOSTS, WITCHES, CLOWNS, BEARS as well as the HUMAN BEAN - we've got it all this week, as we descend deep into hell for this final episode of Book 7. You didn't expect it, we certainly didn't expect it, but yes - it's the end (already!) of the Book. But if we're going, we're going in style: dinner - yes, kissing - check, chit chat with other worldl…

It is rumoured that Shakira wrote her global smash hit single after being inspired by a perfect bowl of oats. The, now infamous, story goes that Shakira was so moved by the oats that she demanded a harp was bought to the table so she could express her joy and appreciation through music. Upon completion of the song; she triumphantly held her bowl of…

You know the old saying: Hunt hard, play hard. And boy have we hunted hard. Drop your crop, hang your horn, and swap your hunting knife for an eating knife, because the hunt is over and it's time to party like it's 1799 all over again. We've got incredible new food stuffs, so much alcohol it would make Count Rostov blush, as well as some of the cou…

Since the beginning of time there have been rivalries that have transcended the generations: Cats and dogs Sliced bread and non sliced bread Red or white wine And many more! It's time for a new rivalry. Can any living being catch hares better than Digital Susan? Everything is on the line. *Woof And they're off! /// patreon.com/wapin7 - Strum into a…

It's an age old question: How many dogs would a good dog dog if a good dog could dog dogs? Is 5 dogs the right answer? 50? Would 5000 dogs be a good number of dogs to involve? Tolstoy wasn't afraid of asking the hard questions, and neither are we. So down a pint of your best brandy, rename your favourite horse and join us this week as we go on the …

One is the epic and unforgettable adventure of a talking bulldog, a talking golden retriever and presumably a talking cat and the other; a tale of a soldier's rather forgettable journey home to fix his family's financial mess. Which is which?! There's only one way to find out... Onwards to BOOK 7! /// patreon.com/wapin7 - Strum into action and supp…

We've got questions on hands, talking golden Smurf trees, archaic ultra-complicated temperature scales, bad calendars, pirate ships and somehow even a Jazz pianist. What links them all? Book 6 of War and Peace. Are you ready to put your WAP knowledge to the ultimate test? It's time to end season 6 on a big quiz bang. *CUE GAMESHOW MUSIC /// patreon…

Forks, Washington gets 110 inches of rain, on average, per year. The US average is 38 inches of rain per year. A lot of rain to wash away your sins... Perhaps; perhaps indeed. Forks averages 7 inches of snow per year. The US average is 28 inches of snow per year. Why doesn't the rain want to turn into snow? Spooky. Very spooky indeed... On average,…

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6! Another book down. Take a bow, do a small dance, ask someone to marry you and sit in silence for exactly one year, have a pineapple or simply sit down and listen to the Book 6 Finale. There's only one thing left to say Onwards /// patreon.com/wapin7 - Spring into action and support the podcast! wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Celebrate spr…

Nothing to see here, move along, move along. It's just another standard week in War and Peace this week as the perfectly normal married humans, Vera and Berg, do utterly expected and human-y things with their normal human friends. Join us normal listener as we peer into their completely acceptable and expected lives. What will we find? Just your av…

Prince Andy is on the hunt for happiness but in order to find it he simply must experience ambivalence, nihilism and straight up unhappiness first. This episode is sort of like a football match. But instead of two teams playing football, it's actually happiness and sadness sort of fighting each other. The winner gets to be the king of all football.…

We've been to soirees, parties, even a casual ball or five during our time with War and Peace. We've watched as The King of Sauce set the dance floor on fire, we've seen kids doing backflips to impress other kids, we've applauded out of fear and amazement as the Blunt Dragon devoured people whole. Truly we thought we'd seen everything that high soc…

Some marry for love. Some marry for a protracted negotiation around dowry payments, up front deposits, cash incentives and share options. Some choose not to marry because they don't love someone. Some choose not to marry because the dowry payments, up front deposits, cash incentives and share options aren't optimal in the current economic climate a…

Dear Diary, My name's Pierre and I'm in my 20s, maybe early 30s, I'm not really sure. I've had a strange few years, I swapped my wife for a pile of bones and then I built a hospital out of money and sticks. Now I'm a senior guy at a pretty cool secret club, they think I'm pretty cool, but I'm starting to worry all the blood and arguments might not …

All together now! He's got the rights of the people, in his hands! He's got plump white hands, for his hands! He's got a strange way of talking, in his hands! He's got the whole world in his hands! /// patreon.com/wapin7 - Spring into action and support the podcast! wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Celebrate spring by leaving a rating or review! instagram.co…

We’re back! It’s officially Volume 2, it’s officially 1808, it’s officially spring. Indeed, the spring has never been springier in this spring-time spring spectacular. Peel off precisely one layer, go for a walk, and get ready to feel the full force of spring’s power. Chirping birds - check. Blooming flowers - check. Talking trees - check. This is …

You've been hanging on to that cliff for too long! It's time for us to set you free and reveal the murderer! Or MURDERERS!! This week it's all about windows and doors and locks and nails and hair but mainly windows and locks and doors and did we mention windows?! Get ready for the payoff of to the world's FIRST detective story. You're not going to …

Move over Sherlock, pipe down Poirot, check yourself Miss Marple - there's a new detective in town and he's the real og. This week we meet the incredible deductive mind of August Dupin - a sexy, forceful and profoundly arogant amateur detective cleaning up the streets of Paris with nothing more than his wit, his assistant and his incredible telepat…

You look down at your large red powerful hands. You clench one into a fist and pump it triumphantly into the air! You've finished Book 5 of War and Peace and rightly want the world to know about. "What next?!" You scream. "I need more!!" It's time to put your knowledge of Book 5 to the ultimate test. We've got questions about: bones, hands, horses,…

It's the end of Book 5 AND the end of Volume 1 of War and Peace - and there are just so many unanswered questions: Will Denisov escape the law? Will peace last forever? Will the surfs ever truly be free? Why was that hospital so awful? Will Nicky get an arbitrary promotion for no reason in particular? Where did all those bones come from? Who the he…

Casual clothes day, dress down day, own clothes day, free dress day, non-uniform day, uniform free day, wear what you want day... Whatever you call it, it might be a day you look back on fondly, remembering that time you wore your favourite jeans to school and everyone said "great jeans". Or perhaps it's memory you've locked deep in your memory she…

🇺🇦 How to support the people of Ukraine 🇺🇦 Support from the UK Support from the US Other ways to help from your country // We've had mustard plasters, hot beef tea and leeches. In this week's episode we can add one more questionable healthcare practice to our list: laughter You know what they say? "A giggle a day keeps the Doctor away!" Be sure to …

If you've assembled an IKEA cupboard or two you'll know how essential good, clear instructions are. They really can make the difference between having an attractive, sturdy cupboard, or finding yourself poisoned, shot and starving after a monumental argument. This week we're opening a couple of WAP instructional manuals - first we'll be leafing thr…

Pierre the perfect pilgrim pleaser pleases pilgrims perfectly in this week's perfectly priceless episode of WAPIN7. PAUSE! "Pierre? Perfect!? " You proudly protest! Well yes! Pierre is a perfect, polished, patient, professional, pleasant, punctilious and perfectly perfect player and it's about time everyone knew it! Preach! // patreon.com/wapin7 - …

This week we're talking Serfs - the indentured workforce of 1800s Russia, bonded to a lifetime of hard labor for zero pay as they slowly die from preventable diseases in their rat infested hovels. We'll be asking "Is that really that bad?" and hearing things like "Maybe my Serfs are actually having a great time?" as well as "Even if it won't cost m…

We just got a meta letter! I wonder who it's from? A letter inside another letter! I wonder who it's from?! A letter longer than time itself... I wonder who it's from!! A special special meta letter that's super extra long! WHO IS IT FROM?!?! JUST TELL ME! There's only one way to find out... // patreon.com/wapin7 - Would ye support the podcast, me …