Helping Others and Why It's Tricky

Riffing On Realness™

Here’s what we explored:

• when we listen for our own wisdom around problems, we get helpful fresh ideas that may include asking someone for help
• if we identify help we need and then ask, that feels different from having others telling us what to do when we haven't asked
• ask how you can help. Don't make assumptions about what someone wants and needs
• we want our own capacity for returning to well-being to be recognised when people offer help
• we also assume people can't handle feeling distress
• we can become frightened by others' distress
• often, without awareness, the reason we want others to feel better is because we need them to feel better so we can feel better
• when we catch sight of this, we realise it is all about us!
• do we really see, we are okay at a deeper essential level (and so is everyone else)?
• Carla talks about when she had her breakdown-breakthrough, how her wisdom told her to let herself completely unravel, and then when everything was stripped back she felt her deeper essence
• what people crave is a grounded presence
• when our sense of ourselves gets interrupted, we may attempt to patch ourselves up and try to carry on as before
• there is a terror of falling apart
• being present with ourselves is an extraordinary gift
• when we speak to someone as if they are whole, not broken, without judgment, we invite the other to find that place in themselves
• 'Why' questions don't usually give a satisfying answer - 'why am I feeling this way?'
• as we deeply realise we are more than our feelings, we get to take how we feel less seriously
• there is an intelligence in our inner experience (all of it), you begin to get eyes for the wisdom of the moment - it's alive
• the difference between feeling our emotions and collapsing into our emotions
• if we don't reflect on why we want to help and ask others what help they want (if they know), then we're not really being helpful
• often we grab hold of the story because it's a diversion, something to do.
• it looks like it's empathetic but it moves the focus away from the present
• the point of lightening up is, not only do we feel better, we are more resourced to hear and act on our wisdom
• often, our head is disconnected from our hearts
• as we get more sense of a deeper dimension we get kinder towards our psychological experience
• we don't take how we feel so personally
• when are low, we are usually living in the past and when we are feeling anxious often we are living in the future
• coming back into the present can help us find equilibrium
• as we wake up to the wild ways our dramatic brains go on, we get to take it less seriously
• if you catch yourself trying to fix others, it's a good place to sit and reflect on how much you can get present with your own distress
• we're human, we fall into our old tracks of thought but as we catch sight more and more of what's going on, there's a softening
• we begin to see our ridiculousness with love and humour rather than judgement
• being okay with whatever our experience is means we get to be okay with others, whatever experience they are having
• the space of not knowing is fertile ground and we begin to get curious rather than fearful when we don't know
• come alongside others in support but without making demands
• don't underestimate the power of warmth and connection and being fully present with someone in distress

Quotes and References

• webinar: Mavis Karn and Grace Kelly, Essential Selfishness
• René Descartes, "I think therefore I am"

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Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

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Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life.

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