Different But The Same

Quintessentially Mental: The Podcast

In this week's episode of Quintessentially Mental: The Podcast, SureEyes sits down with Nicola Cooper to talk surviving trauma.

Transcript

SureEyes: [00:00:00] you're listening to quintessentially mental a podcast hosted by SureEyes, please note that this host is not a mental health practitioner or professional, and this podcast is not made for treatment of any mental illness. Hey, y'all this is quintessentially mental and I'm your host sureEyes. Today's episode is titled different, but the same.

[00:00:31] Inspired by my reflection on the, my many travels. Um, I've been fortunate enough to travel the globe extensively. There there's maybe one or two continents I haven't had the good fortune to be able to visit, but I've, I've traveled to at least 50 plus cities, um, around the. And one thing I've noticed and during all of my travels is that despite all of our differences, as people, despite, you know, our, um, culture, language, uh, aesthetic, climate, uh, interests, etcetera, you know, despite all of the differences that we might have, um, as, as individual.

[00:01:26] Fundamentally, we have a very shared, human experience and human need. We all, what I find, you know, having, having traveled and met people from different parts of the world, what I've noticed is we all have a very acute sense of wanting to belong, wanting to be loved. Um, A friend of mine always used to say, look, we all just want to eat, drink dance, have sex and be happy.

[00:02:00] Um, you know, and while those, those things might not be, be the same. I think it illustrates the point that as human beings we fundamentally have, um, you know, Shared experience where we can connect on, on things deeper than just, you know, the surface level. And so, and so what I want to uncover really during this episode is how.

[00:02:29] We connect as human beings. How do we connect, um, you know, using tools, especially in our current climate or rather in the COVID climate, you know, how do we use things like social media to connect? You know, the there's quite a few social media, mental health, um, accounts where positive messages are spread, where people are able to engage in conversation around mental health and mental wellbeing.

[00:03:05] And my question is, you know, does this make us feel more connected? Um, do we then feel like we have a shared experience? Do we feel less alone? Do we feel more supported? Um, I know that, you know, one of the, one of the core traits of human beings is that we are social beings. Um, growing up, my mom would always say to me, no, man is an island.

[00:03:33] Um, obviously in my child's mind, I was like, obviously we're not a piece of land surrounded by water, but as I. As I grew up and I understood the, um, you know, the, the meaning behind it, the fact that we weren't meant to be alone, we weren't mean to, um, navigate this world alone. That we, we do lean on other human beings for connection, for support.

[00:04:05] Similarly, I met a designer years ago in my, in my previous life. When I worked for design Indaba, I'm not, she's either a designer or kind of trained analysis at, um, analyst. And she mentioned, you know, she, she, she curated an exhibition with. It was called talking textiles. And through this narrative, she, she kind of pointed out that throughout our social media experience throughout our, our world becoming more virtual, becoming more technologically advanced, we were actually losing touch with what it means to be human, what it means to, um, You know, actually feel emotionally connected, um, being able to communicate with people verbally.

[00:05:01] Um, in-person non-verbally um, I think there's the, the stat that says that, you know, our, our nonverbal communication makes up 70% about total communication. And so this idea of the need to feel connected. Having social media platforms create connection, but at the same time potentially create a distance, you know, does does using social media to spread mental health, positive messages, help us feel more connected, less alone, and more supported.

[00:05:40] And I'm hoping my next guest will be able to, um, help us with that or kind of give us her perspective on it. Um, she goes by Nicola Coop on Instagram, um, and a lot of her account is really about sharing positive messages around supporting, strengthening your own mental health and wellbeing. And so after this break, we will chat to Nicola and hear from her, you know, what inspired her to, to start the account.

[00:06:18] Um, did she notice a difference in the way that she was engaging with people? Um, not only over the internet, but perhaps in her everyday life did. Did being more mentally positive or mental health positive, did that influence and affect her everyday relationships outside of that social media? Right. And so I think given, given, you know, the world that we exist in where, you know, it's, you know, w we're currently in a pandemic, um, where we are forced to become less social and more virtual, is this perhaps a way that we can remain connected and not feel so isolated.

[00:07:11] So we'll, we'll welcome Nicola in the next segment.

[00:07:15] Spudcaster: [00:07:15] baobulb.org is a podcasting platform and a medium for storytelling. This podcast is also available on all the major podcasting apps, including apple and Google podcasts, podcasts your life with baobulb.org.

[00:07:34] SureEyes: [00:07:34] Welcome back to quintessentially mental.

[00:07:36] I'm joined by someone who I've just recently met like literally 20 minutes ago. Um, her name is Nicola. Hey, Nicola! How are you doing?

[00:07:46] Nicola: [00:07:46] I'm great. I'm so great. Thank you for having me.

[00:07:52] SureEyes: [00:07:52] Thank you for joining. I think, you know, the mental health conversation is a tricky one because, because those who don't really struggle with it feel like they have no voice to really join the conversation.

[00:08:05] And maybe those who do or are affected by it feel maybe judged or stigmatised. And so I'm hoping that conversations like this will almost normalize mental health conversations, um, and just create the space for us to have it as ordinary as we would any other conversation. So thank you. Um, how, what would you say your, your kind of journey with mental health has been, or where are you in your mental health journey?

[00:08:40] I know it's a very broad question, so interpret it whichever way you'd like to, you know, but what's your kind of action with mental health.

[00:08:49] Nicola: [00:08:49] Well, actually, it's, it's something I've battled with. Um, anxiety is something that I've battled with since I was a little girl. Um, I, I'm a very sensitive person and I'm very, very analytical.

[00:09:05] And as a little girl, um, I didn’t obviously know what was happening at the time. I just got really bad anxiety, which manifested in my stomach and, um, It's sort of like a grade three level, which is super, super young. Um, I was like, they thought I had a stomach ulcer, so it's, it's such a weird thing because through out school, um, you know, I was undiagnosed and, um, I really battled with, you know, anxiety and depression as a result of that.

[00:09:46] And somehow. I managed to cope and, and just, yeah. Develop our coping mechanisms, but obviously like when you're undiagnosed, um, some of those coping skills are not actually good coping skills. Um, I didn't grow up in a particularly wealthy family. And definitely I didn't grow up at a time where it was like more socially acceptable to go to a therapist or a psychologist.

[00:10:18] So it was always kind of that old school mentality of like, why are you so sad buck up kind of thing. Um, but somehow in my own being, I knew that there was something just a little bit off. And when I started working, um, I. Started paying for my own therapy. I was like, you know what? I know that this can be undone and.

[00:10:47] You know, I know that this is almost a ripple effects. Like it's sins of the father stuff, you know, it's, it's generational. And I remember saying to my mom, when she was saying like, why do you need it? I was like, you know, you suffer from depression. Like all of this stuff exists. It stops here. It stops with me.

[00:11:05] Yeah, this is where it ends. And, uh, from that moment on, and I mean, it was triggered by, you know, quite a catastrophic event. I found my grandmother passed, you know, um, like she died in, in my, in the house and I was trying to save her. So it wasn't like a big catalyst for it, but once I started doing it, I know I'm like, I'm one of those people that commit, uh, I looked at it like, okay, cool.

[00:11:37] I exercise and I eat good food for my body to function, um, in an optimal way, in the same way I'm exercising my brain and I'm getting rid of the things that. Don't work for me. So I started in my early twenties and like did Freudian therapy and stuff like that for a very long time. And it literally changed my life.

[00:12:03] And, um, I think as a result, years later, um, when I was involved, like in a near fatal head on collision, I had those. Those structures in place that really helped me, um, recover. Um, my doctor at one point said to me like Nicola, it's no longer fight of the body. It's a fight of the mind. Um, and it's exactly that, you know, it's, it'd be, it goes beyond physicality.

[00:12:36] Like a lot of the fights we have on a daily basis are from an emotional or mental perspective.

[00:12:44] SureEyes: [00:12:44] Yeah. I think it's interesting that you raised. You know, maybe just to give a bit of context, you know, so this episode is about, you know, how we use the platforms available to us to spread mental health messages.

[00:13:01] Um, and before I get to that, I think there's just something I want to touch on that you raised, um, which is more this idea of being undiagnosed, you know, and I think, you know, there's, there's always, almost what I think as being. The human level of things. Like we all get sad or get anxious. We all, we all experience the range of human emotion.

[00:13:26] And I personally believe that, you know, it, it becomes problematic when it inhibits our functioning. So like, When for me personally, when my depressive episodes stopped me from showering or seeing friends or eating or go the different ways where I'm like, Ooh, this is a sign of depression that is going to kind of stop my functioning.

[00:13:51] At what point did you, did you think, okay, this anxiety, which you probably didn't have the language for at like grade three level, right? At what point in your journey did you think, Ooh, this, this is something I need to seek treatment for?

[00:14:10] Nicola: [00:14:10] Well, I think I started seeing it sort of in my later teens. Um, my mom was, uh, You know, came from a little bit of an abusive background.

[00:14:23] Nonphysically abusive, like emotionally abusive background and as a result, um, you know, she she's, she is. Categorically codependent. So when I was growing up, you know, my moods would impact her moods, which is not a healthy thing. And, um, as a result, I would suppress any sadness or any anger and all of that kind of thing, because I didn't want to upset too.

[00:14:52] You know, that's what our responses children, you know, and once I started realizing like, Not only like why I was doing that, but also just understanding my mom and like really she was coming from and like an actually feeling for her because like she didn't like, arrive like that. A situation was created where she was in a similar situation as me where she was, she had to cope in whichever way.

[00:15:23] Yeah. As a result of that, I w that's where I, I came to the point is like, mom, I know what you had to deal with. And I'm sorry, you know, you had to deal with that stuff, but it stops now. It stops with me. We gonna, we gonna do this together. And at first she was like, um, she was very upset. She, she thought that I was blaming her and that's not what it was.

[00:15:48] And I think, you know, as I've done that growth into understanding where my stuff is, I've grown to understand my mom so much more, um, and have a little bit more compassion for her as a human being, you know? Cause we tend to like place our parents on pedestals and like they can do no wrong or you, you, lose it at them and like to look at her and think like shit, like.

[00:16:18] Imagine what she had to go through. Like that's not cool, you know, and be able to connect with your family, um, on generational stuff. Yeah. Helps you love them more. And I think that that's something of great value I could to become more patient with her because I understood I was more compassionate.

[00:16:41] And I also started seeing my mom as a human being and not just my mom. And that's such a huge thing to do is like, look at them and go like, actually, you know, and she's, she's just a rad person doing her best.

[00:16:57] SureEyes: [00:16:57] You know, so much of what you're saying now resonates. So with me, um, just that, that moment where you go, you're actually just a human being, being the base under the circumstances, but the hand you were dealt and that you also have emotions, you also have, you also have a life story.

[00:17:15] You also have a psyche that has. You know, led you to behave in certain ways. You also have defence mechanisms. You also have, you know, and I think, I think that was, you know, when I, when I first started going to therapy in, well, let's say when I first started seeing a psychiatrist and not just psychologists, um, and then I, you know, it was very, uh, Awakening for me, but from a anchoring perspective, and I think it was a, it was a big step for me to be able to move past the resentment and the blaming and reach that point of, but you're actually just an awesome human doing the best you can, you know, and I think, I think what, what maybe stops some of some recovery is still looking to apportion that.

[00:18:12] To find someone to blame, right. To say that, but why did this happen to me? But why did I have to go through this? Why did you know, it must occur? You know, what did I do to deserve this? You know? And when you start looking at, when you want to externalise it and be like, no, but it must have been because of you or it must've been because of the situation or instead of just taking it for what it is right.

[00:18:35] For instead of just going like, okay, it happened and it affected me and it sucks. And I can't go back and change it, but it doesn't have to define how I relate to you.

[00:18:48] Nicola: [00:18:48] Yeah. And I think that around that, you know, um, I think when I was younger and took that kind of stuff into relationships, I tended to blame like the dysfunction on the other person.

[00:19:03] But as I did, like every time something ended, you know, I kind of looked at it as an opportunity to see how I could. Be better and do better in my next relationship or whatever that was, whether it be friendship or romantic or even from a work perspective. And, um, and what I started realising is that, that there's a level of accountability and contribution to situations and that I can't, um, denounced my accountability because.

[00:19:43] I'm N I'm adding to this. It doesn't just manifest out of nowhere. It's not just to you. Exactly. And I think that, you know, I don't know if you know, um, the idea of the drama triangle. Which is, you know, um, uh, on, on abusive relationships where it becomes, you know, the rescuer, the victim, the persecutor, and what that dynamic does is like realising that you are playing some of those roles in your relationships, whether it is the victim or the persecutor or the rescuer, like.

[00:20:23] You've contributed to that dysfunction in some way, because you can't control the other person. You can only control yourself. And once you realize that, I think that's where the empowering part lies is that yeah, we can get dragged into someone's drama or we can say. No, I'm not going there. Like, um, even though I see you kind of trying to press my buttons and trying to get that kind of anger or, um, you want, you want the justification that if I become an angry person, you go, well, look at you.

[00:21:00] This is, you know, You're terrible person so that you feel better. And there's a great opportunity to like hit pause and go, you know what I see that, where this is going and you're not, I'm not going to. It's that simple. And that takes a long time and a lot of undoing. And like the generational stuff is not about just dealing with the present.

[00:21:26] It's undoing. Sometimes generations of, of actions and undoing, as you know, is, is far more laborious than doing

[00:21:38] SureEyes: [00:21:38] 100%. My mom always says,

[00:21:40] what's that saying?

[00:21:41] Um, old habits die hard.

[00:21:44] Nicola: [00:21:44] Yeah. You know, some of them you have to beat into the ground, beat into submission crazy. And I mean, it's, it's a hard journey. Like I think I never knew, I feel such compassion and empathy for little me.

[00:22:04] I because now I understand, because I kind of have her with me all the time. You know, that part of me that didn't know what was happening and that was scared, you know? And it's so weird that, you know, when I speak with my counsellors, you're able to gauge your sadness and your anger almost on like how big it is, because when it's bigger.

[00:22:26] Yeah. It's kind of younger. And, um, one of my counsellors, after my motor vehicle accident said like, this is your inner child, just hold her hand and say, it's going to be okay. I got you. And it's such a weird thing because like, I know that little girl that was lost and scared and didn't know where she fits in the world because everyone seemed to be doing just granted.

[00:22:52] I was that strange, um, like hypersensitive, introverted little kid. Um, That like now it's an adult's like, I just want to give her a hug.

[00:23:08] SureEyes: [00:23:08] Yeah, no, I, I, I can completely resonate with that. And I think, you know, you speak quite openly about the accident you were in, and I know on your social media account it’s something you referenced quite strongly, especially when you shape the impact it had on your mental strength.

[00:23:26] Um, yeah. You know, at what point did you, and you know, I've been following your account for a while now. Um, but like at what point did you, did you say, okay, you know, I'm going to start using the things that have happened to me that aren't necessarily palatable, easy to talk about, but I'm going to start using this as a way to share positive, you