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The Save Your Marriage by Restoring the Man podcast is a show that helps men restore their marriages by restoring themselves. Simply put, men are underserved when it comes to the need for marital guidance, especially when facing separation, divorce and/or affairs. The pressure, expectations, and ‘noise’ that is around us at all times often takes priority over our marriage and we soon find ourselves lost with the threat of divorce looming over our heads. This podcast is men with troubled marr ...
 
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show series
 
Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, “why am I even arguing over this? It doesn’t matter”?I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others.It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives. They are not …
 
Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now?Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few.What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed. The separation or divorce is off the table. The affair is over. The spouse has returne…
 
There are 5 very typical, and destructive, problems in many marriages. And yes, these are the problems that MANY people report. Yes, they are painful and hurtful. BUT, they are not really the problems. They are the symptoms of the problem. Let’s discuss how you can USE the symptomatic problems to move toward healing the REAL problem. If you don’t d…
 
Have you ever noticed how often we want an easy answer? Sometimes, people ask for my help, and I start giving some guidelines. It turns out they didn’t want that. They tell me, “No, can you just give me a couple of tips?” I can give tips on how to boil an egg better, how to keep your charging cord from shredding, and even a tip on a simple exercise…
 
You probably know that I'm on the side of your marriage. I'm all about saving a marriage.But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?No.First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in…
 
It's a false belief in our culture that we need to "trust our gut" and "follow our emotions." Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can't even say what our emotions are, much of the time.Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What it means? Why it is there right now... and might be gone in 5 minutes? Or tomorrow?Let's be clear: a …
 
Games should be fun. But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun. These are patterns of interaction and communication. The design is to get a need met. But behind it is a dysfunction. It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects. It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs. It may be a false expectation o…
 
Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, …
 
Is your marriage on life support? You keep watching as the life slowly leaks away from your relationship. Maybe you feel powerless to turn it around. But is it too late?When a marriage gets into trouble, there are 4 distinct levels to the crisis.Here are the 4 levels:1) Marriage Issues: This comes along early in the relationship, when the fundament…
 
Over and over, I see the same two Approaches or “modes” killing marriages — all without intention or maliciousness. The hurt and pain often lead to anger and resentment down the road. But it simply starts in innocence. Most people don’t even know they are operating in these modes. The first mode is “Pause-Mode,” thinking that you can hit pause whil…
 
It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt). Negativity comes from several sources: fea…
 
Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes. And a crisis for many marriages! I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis. I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that. We see it every day.And I see the strain a MLC can place on an already-hurting marriage. If the marriage is disco…
 
While some people have certain advantages that others don’t, it doesn’t come down to resources. The truth? You are responsible for your reality, so stop blaming anything else but yourself.Your current reality is a byproduct of what you’ve grown to accept in your life today. So a mere desire to improve your life doesn’t cut it.If you’re serious abou…
 
Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful?That is often very normal.To a degree.It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time. That is just what…
 
We as humans are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us. Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks? In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yes, it …
 
I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly. I make mistakes.Okay, I’ll admit it: I DO know about you. You make mistakes, too. And how do I know??We ALL make mistakes! Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful. And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway.And I’m pretty sure that saving your m…
 
Many marriages are ruined by 2 people, each wanting to put their fair share into it. “You put in your half, and I put in my half,” seems to be the thought. Sounds good. Fair. Equal. And destined for disaster. The problem is it doesn’t take long for one or both to say, “You aren’t putting in your ‘fair share.'” Which is quickly followed with, “So, n…
 
Hot and cold. That is often what I hear people describe. About their spouses. One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving. And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns. Distance and dread return. Are things going south? Is this the time when things don’t turn around?And then… the pattern repeats a…
 
When thehits the fan, how will you react? Will you allow your emotions to rule you, or will you make a conscious choice to respond with dignity and respect? We don’t choose what happens in life, but we are fully in control of how we react to it. In this new episode, we talk about how your interpretation of a situation holds massive weight and lays …
 
You’ve taken steps to save your marriage. And it seems to be working! Things are improving. The ice is melting. Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there.And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend. But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues…
 
It is natural for us to conjure up the past all the time. It is natural. The good and the bad. We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected…
 
We all do it. We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt.Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis. For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife."I answer him i…
 
“We’re just not compatible” has been the start of many “we can’t stay together” discussions. But is it true? Is there an issue of compatibility? People from opposite ends of the political and/or religion spectrums get along just fine. People with opposite tastes in music, food, art, and whatever other “compatibles” there are, manage happy marriages…
 
Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: “What if I CAN’T save my marriage?” One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn’t started (and was trying to decide whether to even start). It’s a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear. That fear can kee…
 
For most men, “short-cuts” are the reason why they are in a Marriage crisis. Short Cuts are nothing more than tricks in disguise. And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the “trick.” Those “tricks” are all the things on the internet about “hypnosis,” “reverse psychology,” “spells,” or any of thos…
 
We all have limiting beliefs. You... me... and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs!What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities. Potential…
 
No matter how determined you may be to change your life or marriage, it only takes hesitation and a lack of ownership to halt any progress. In the end, YOU are your biggest hindrance to your growth. In this new episode, Arturo lays out the BIG difference between men who live in the past versus work toward the future, how to see your future as an in…
 
I have watched from the sidelines as people work to save their marriage. And it strikes me that there are three secrets people who save their marriage learn and master. If you don’t know these secrets, you need to.What are those 3 secrets?1. They know the difference between Symptoms and Cause.2. They know their spouse is not the enemy. (You may thi…
 
Let’s turn to dealing with your spouse’s resentments. Resentment comes from anger, unresolved. Anger comes from hurt, unresolved and unaddressed. Which leads us back to helping your spouse find healing — tracking back to anger, but really back to hurt. If you want to reconnect, start with dealing with resentments. Otherwise, the hurt/anger/resentme…
 
The conversation starts innocently enough. Someone wants help saving a marriage. They tell me about the disconnection haunting the relationship. They tell me about the hurts and struggles. They tell me they are desperate to turn things around.And then they say it. “How do I get my spouse to. . .” “How do I make my spouse to. . . ” “How do I cause m…
 
Roles. We all have them. We all play them.Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband."Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker," and "podcaster" (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life…
 
Do you find yourself fighting and fighting, but never making progress? Maybe you even look back and make the painful discovery: you are just repeating the same argument. If so, you aren’t using conflict to get anywhere. You are just trying to win. Conflict is better used when it moves you toward progress. It can serve to solve. Or it can serve to w…
 
Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around... for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction. Does it take days? Weeks?? Years???I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast.That doesn't mean YOUR marriage will. But it often does happen.Why is it that a marriage c…
 
Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful.Let's backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity?Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things woul…
 
To live is to constantly grow and improve, but if you’re blaming anyone else but yourself, you’re not growing. Looking at yourself honestly and taking accountability can be incredibly painful, but it IS necessary in your growth as a man. Most of us have wounds, but touting them as trophies isn’t how they heal; they heal when you go to surgery. In t…
 
When the temptation to “fix” a situation fires up in you, STOP. Most men are hard-wired to react to problems with a solution, but that “solution” is doomed from the start. In this new episode, we talk about difference between “fixers” and true leaders, highlighting why knowing your problems is much more important than “fixing” them. We cover why fi…
 
On a regular basis, people want to tell me about the problem with their marriage. Then, they tell me about the current crisis: "my spouse doesn't love me/is having an affair/won't talk to me/wants to separate/wants to divorce/etc./etc."They want to solve the crisis. And they think THAT is the problem!They would be wrong.What they are describing is …
 
Like the vast majority of men that are going through a separation or divorce, you feel like your wife has all the power over you and you no longer have any semblance of control in the situation. It feels sudden – everything was going great, and then your wife seems to no longer love you, no longer trust you, or maybe she even “hates” you. At this p…
 
You need to understand how your marriage got into trouble, how your relationship got disconnected, and how your marriage slid into crisis. Since we don’t get much help in understanding what marriage is about (much less, how to be married), it shouldn’t be a surprise that marriages DO get into trouble. The question is, when you find you are in a cri…
 
You may be wondering, “Does it even matter? Should I just let this marriage go? WHY does it matter?” Let’s start with this: It matters! A lot! Why does it matter? Well, the real reason why can vary from person-to-person. It is all about finding YOUR “why”, your big reason for working on it. Here is an important hint: the BIG Why is not about fear. …
 
During a marriage crisis most people almost always focus on the wrong things. And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things. Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment. There are three places people often focus their attention that are …
 
Your marriage is in trouble. You know you want to save your relationship, but you aren’t sure how. They followed, on purpose or by accident, “rules” of surviving. Those rules can help you, too. Your first task is to survive. That gives you time to take more action. Those actions are designed to rescue your relationship. In fact, that is one rule I …
 
Every now and then (well, actually quite frequently), people tell me stories about how parenting didn’t exactly elicit the best response. Many times, people tell me with regret over words and actions they wish they had not expressed. Sure, there is some shame, maybe some blame.But there is often very little change.On this episode of the Save The Ma…
 
Working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up. Much less when everything feels upside down! Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down? Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any? There are some underlying reasons why it ma…
 
Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem? So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem? Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-tim…
 
What do you do when you feel like giving up, like nothing you do is making a difference? Or when your spouse says you are trying too hard, or acting strange? Or when you have dragged your spouse to retreats, therapy, workshops… and at every turn, your spouse throws up a wall? What do you do to push through? I answer listener questions about how to …
 
Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages.Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage -- happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a ma…
 
It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation. And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay. While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to change, you can probably see that approach is unlikely to get you very far. Here is the problem: Change is hard, and rarely straightforward…
 
There are ways you can approach your marriage and your life, making an instant shift, that could create incredible change. IF you were to do all 3 things I suggest in my audio, I guarantee your life will radically change for the better — and so will your marriage! These shifts are simple and direct. And they mostly require you to make an internal s…
 
Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy.But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It's just…
 
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