Steli Efti ציבורי
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Ever since reading Carl Jung, I got interested in dream interpretation, but most of the time I don't feel like interpreting my dreams. A dream I recently had though made me think that there was a message waiting for me. So in this episode, I go through the exercise of decoding my dream. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/decoding-dreams/ Connect with…
 
Oftentimes the people who think they need help the least are the ones that need it the most. I've always been a giver. I always loved to help others. But asking for, and receiving help, that was something I struggled much more with in some areas of my life. And I know plenty of people for whom this is true as well. So in this episode, I talk about …
 
After 100 episodes of intimate navel-gazing and serious inner work, it's time so start sharing some of the silly goofing around we do in between. Expect nothing meaningful from this episode. We're talking Jocko Willink, Charles Bukowski, the courage of degenerates, and the cowardice of choosing to live your life in the safe harbor of propriety. Sho…
 
I started paying more attention to the soundtrack of my live—that inner narator that constantly makes up stories about what it is I do. And I started experimenting with it: What if I change the narration? What if I switch it off? What if I give my narration a theme, so that whatever I do is viewed through and guided by that particular idea? The way…
 
Recently while on vacation in Greece I was looking for some more lighthearted literature and picked up Charles Bukowski's Ham on Rye. Well, let's say it wasn't exactly the feelgood read I sought, but the story of the potato chip friendship stuck with me. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/potato-chip-friendship/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com…
 
First of all: My friend is not an insecure loser. He's an amazing person that I enjoy to spend time with and learn from. But he sometimes thinks that others think of him as a loser. And let's be honest: Deep down, most of us are scared on some level that we're losers. I'm very good at exuding confidence. I can walk into a room and people think I ow…
 
I was recently on vacation with my family and shared a very special moment with my mother: For the first time in decades, I felt like the child of my mother—and her being my parent. I've stepped into the role of being her protector, coach, caretaker, and teacher for such a long time that I forgot what being a child even felt like. Shownotes: https:…
 
It was 2007, I had just moved to the US, when I received a call from my brother: My grandfather had died. I was his namesake, and his favorite grandchild. People always told me how much I came after him. He was a larger than life character, always believed that I was special, that I was destined for greatness. I had learned so much from him, and no…
 
My youngest son has a seemingly insatiable desire for attention from his mom. Sometimes it escalates into awkward neediness, and it hurt me seeing my son feel this way. I tried to step in and "save" him from feeling this way—but to no avail. Only his mom's attention would do. And recently, I wondered: Why does this affect me so much? Shownotes: htt…
 
In this episode I share my thoughts after reading Dostoyevsky's Crime And Punishment. A much more effortful, and less rewarding read than I had hoped, but I do love how deep it goes into the central theme of the story—which is what happens when we go against our own moral compass. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/crime-and-punishment/ Connect with …
 
I've yet again learned about another part of myself: It's the part that I call The Endurer, and it's one of the parts that my core Self hasn't fully integrated, or even acknowledged enough. I like to highlights other parts of myself that seem more impressive and heroic. But much of inner work is seeing all of yourself, and often what you find is hu…
 
"Lying is a delightful thing, for it leads to truth" wrote Dostoyevsky in Crime and Punishment. We discuss how you arrive at the truth through lying, and then about the twisted lies of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, how her insistence on denying her own truth eventually leads to her ending her life. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/lying-leads-to-truth/ …
 
Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes at all, and we keep repeating them again and again. And sometimes we overcorrect our mistakes so much, that we just replaced one mistake with another mistake. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/dangers-of-overcorrecting/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.co…
 
I recently had a conversation with a friend who's been through a couple of challenging months. And as he shared his struggles with me, my initial response was to share how I in the past had overcome struggles similar to the one he had described. And now, the conversation was going well... but it wasn't really flowing. We weren't connecting as frien…
 
This episode is an outtake from a conversation where I realized how I stifle my enthusiasm because I want to protect myself from the pain of embarrassment and disappointment. One of the greatest things about my younger self was how passionate I was about my dreams and goals (I talked about that in episode 82). I decided to stop hiding my enthusiasm…
 
Many years ago in the early days of Close, my cofounders and I would go out for dinner once a week to discuss the business. These discussions were good, but oftentimes they were just that: discussions. At some point, Anthony said: "Let's stop talking about all these different things and make a decision. What's one thing we can decide right now?" Th…
 
One thing I love about Tolstoy's writing is with how much insight and empathy he's making the characters of his novels come alive. I learn so much about myself, and humanity in general by reading Anna Karenina, a novel written more than 100 years ago—much more than I've gained from reading a hundred books on psychology. In this episode, I'm geeking…
 
One of the most insightful books on managing anger I've read is The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, and in this episode I discuss the concept of overfunctioning and underfunctioning. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/dance-of-anger-over-or-underfunctioning/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com ht…
 
I grew up in Germany, and spent most of my life there. And yet, I never felt at home in Germany, never liked living there. If Germany was a family member of mine, it would be a heartless, cold, disapproving stepdad—that's how I'd describe it. But I don't want to feel that way. My family lives here, many of my friends live here, and whether I like i…
 
I've been reading Tolstoy's Anna Karenina recently, and absolutely love this book for the sharpness with which he looks at relationships, and how people communicate. There's so much wisdom within these pages, about misunderstandings beyond repair, painful truths and the convenient lies we sometimes hope for. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/anna-ka…
 
There's a popular interview question I've been asked many times: What's one piece of advice you'd give your younger self? To me, a much more interesting question if I could travel back in time and meet my younger self would be: What could I learn from my younger self? In this episode, I share my thoughts around that, and in a way, I do meet a young…
 
I recently had another IFS session on an elliptical, and this time it led to an unexpected encounter with my inner narrator. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/meeting-my-inner-narrator/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/על ידי Steli Efti
 
Whenever you pour your heart into a creative endeavor, those critical thoughts can derail you. "You can't do this." "This isn't good enough." "Who do you think you are to even try?" (And yeah—I'm holding back here. The voices in my head are much harsher.) You can try to fight these voices. That's been my go-to-strategy for much of my life. "STFU, I…
 
I've had another inner work session on the elliptical, and this time I've addressed a major emotional challenge of mine: chronic tension. I've had a very vocal inner critic that used to be the driving force in my life, and it drove me to success in many areas of my life. But it came at a high cost. I felt miserable. Part of my inner work journey ha…
 
I've recently had an interesting experience doing an IFS (Internal Family Systems) audio workshop while working out on a threadmill. There's something about working out physically while also doing inner work with your mind that I sparked my curiosity. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/elliptical-inner-workout/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com …
 
About a year ago I had my first therapeutic MDMA session, and one of the biggest gifts that stayed with me is a type of meditation. This is the first time that I talk about this meditation and what it has done for me—and while I found it challenging to articulate this in detail, what does come through in this conversation is how immensely valuable …
 
I'm highly self-critical by nature, often to a fault. A good amount of the inner work I've been doing over the past 2 years has been about reigning that part of myself in. But now that I'm exploring the IFS (Internal Family Systems) I had a realization: While my inner critic has been the dominant voice in my head for most of my life... I don't actu…
 
I've talked about how out of touch with my emotions I was here many times. One of the things that helped me changes this tremendously was a very simple exercise: I simply started to name my emotions. In this episode, I share how I've benefitted from naming my feelings, and why it's become part of my inner work routine. Shownotes: https://steliefti.…
 
In this episode, I talk about when parts of myself are at conflict with each other. I'm the type of person that's very good at pushing myself to do things, I've got a strong inner pusher. But there's also a part of me that sometimes just want to relax, take it easy and goof off. That in and of itself is fine—we all have those parts in us. The probl…
 
In this episode I talk about an idea I've been exploring for a while now: That we're all made up of different parts, and how they often conflict with each other. There was a time when I thought the best way to deal with the undesirable parts is to just eliminate them, to get rid of them. Now, rather than looking at an isolated part, I try to first …
 
There's a reason why being true and authentic matter so much to me: I know what's on the other side. When I was young, especially during my early teenage years, I lied a lot, habitually. In this episode, which is a conversation I've had back in September of 2020, I share my long and winding path to truth and authenticity. Shownotes: https://stelief…
 
The past couple of weeks being back in Germany, I've started doing what Germans do a lot: think, and think, and think some more. It got to the point where it feels out of balance: too much introspection, too much heavy self-analysis, too much thinking and reflecting, and not enough living for the moment. At least, that's how I interpret what these …
 
Here's a book recommendation: They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera. A very quick and easy read, but one that moved me nonetheless and that I gifted to my nephews and nieces. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/they-both-die-at-the-end/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/…
 
There's a magic to going into a situation completely open, unprepared and without a plan, and improvising your way into a beautiful dance. Even though there's always the risk that instead of a beautiful dance, you just stumble and fall flat on your face. But if you're not willing to get lost, you'll never find yourself in an unexpected place. Being…
 
I never would have expected that pigeons could teach me something about myself—but some of life's most valuable lessons come in surprising ways. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/beautiful-dance-in-the-sky/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/…
 
I've been reading a book about personal change and anger, and one paragraph early on in the book stood out to me: [If we want to change ourselves, we should do it] very slowly, no matter how crazy or self-defeating our current behavior appears to be. It exists for a reason and may serve a positive and protective function for ourselves and others. I…
 
I've been wondering how I managed to accept some of the people in my life fully—just the way they are. I'm blessed to have many friends in my life whom I love and care for, but there are very few people whom I fully accept, whose flaws and shortcomings I can have in my life without getting irritated about them. I just know that's the way they are S…
 
While homeschooling my two sons, I witnessed my younger one just in the midst of that special phase where you learn to read and begin to make sense of words. And I (once more) realized the importance of fun: When teaching a new skill, don't stress out about getting it right and avoiding mistakes. Don't constantly correct every mistake. Instead, tea…
 
I do believe that we all have an intuitive sense for truth. We know the truth at all times, we feel it, we can sense it deep down. But for a variety of reasons, we cover it up, we edit it, we apply a filter to it, we hide it behind logic or stories we're attached to. Here's me riffing on the idea of this inner "truth sense". Shownotes: https://stel…
 
One of the questions that reading Kafka has brought up in my mind is: How much pain are we causing others by trying to carry their burden? How much of the help I'm providing to others is really in the long run taking away their potential blessings? Part of Inner Work is about looking beyond the surface of what's obvious and see the deeper ramificat…
 
Here's another episode that can be tagged with "aftereffects of reading Kafka". Little Voice In My Head A: "Steli, it's 11am and you've not done anything yet". To which Little Voice In My Head B responded: "Well, fuck you, I don't have to do anything if I don't have to!" And both of them got into an argument they've been through thousands of times …
 
Another beautiful insight that came out of some time I spent with my two sons recently was this: Remember to have fun when you do fun stuff. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/remember-to-have-fun/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/steliefti/על ידי Steli Efti
 
I recently started reading The Trial by Franz Kafka, and there's one thing I really love about this book: It has already raised so many questions in my mind and made me think thoughts I wouldn't have pondered if it weren't for this book. This episode is just me sharing my reading experience while I'm halfway through the book. Shownotes: https://ste…
 
Now that I'm back in Germany, I'm spending a lot of time with my two sons, and there was a beautiful experience of trust and courage we've shared together that I want to capture here. Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/fatherhood-nonjudgmental-encouragement/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https://www.linkedin.com/in/…
 
I've never had a great relationship with my Germany, even though I was born here, I grew up here, I have family and friends I love here. I never liked living here. And whenever I came back to spend time in Germany, I always like coming back to a place I didn't belong, nor wanted to be. But because Germany is such a big part of my life, I wanted to …
 
Some books have literally been life-changing, epic adventures in my life. I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for these books. But if I've read books the way most people read books, I'd probably never have experienced any of that. Today I discuss my deep love for books, my appreciation for everything they've brought into my life, different ways of…
 
In this episode we geek out about the art of storytelling, and it's magical ability to touch and move us, to think new thoughts, to live life in new ways. Books discussed: Story by Robert McKee Dune by Frank Herbert Shownotes: https://steliefti.com/storytelling-touch-audience/ Connect with me: https://steliefti.com https://twitter.com/steli https:/…
 
One of the emotions I still haven't found a good way to relate to is my anger. For most of my adult life, my way of handling anger was simply to suppress it and pretend it didn't exist at all. Getting angry meant that someone else had power over me, someone else was able to control and impact me—and I didn't want to allow and admit that. So I prete…
 
I don't know how to explain this to people who've never felt it, but I've been suffering from jaw tension for quite a while now. It comes and goes, and I never really know what triggered it until I did some deep introspection. I believe it's forcing me to confront truths I'd rather not face. Like a harsh and unforgiving teacher, it won't relent unt…
 
I was out on the balcony on a sunny day in Austin. It was a nice day. Everything was fine. Beautiful music playing. My day's work was done. And that's when it hit me: I'm good at many things—but relaxing isn't one of them. Even when you see me chilling, inside of me, there's so much tension, so many things I try to fit into any given unit of relaxa…
 
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