Season 1, Episode 55: Transformers Rapture and Carla’s Cameltoe Banana Bread

The Hate Napkin

It’s Game Day! There’s a Nerf Super Soaker Water Blaster to your head. “What do you hate more?” Golden Corral or The Kardashians + Kanye West? Oh, Lord—please just blow out my inner ear with pee-tainted pool water now.

If there’s one thing that separates The Hate Napkin crew from The Kardashians—it’s the pursuit of fame for fame’s sake. We enjoy nothing more than our coveted status as the world’s penultimate worst-rated podcast. (Phew! Thank God for Andy Dick.)

Meanwhile, sound engineer Pauly from Bali and co-host Arik take a stroll down memory lane, to a time in childhood where bad behavior was met with an hour of forced-watching PBS programming—and if you got caught changing the channel to The Transformers, you were beaten to death with a wooden spoon. “But, dad, the Autobots are on Team Jesus!” WHACK! “Optimus Prime is a Christ figure!” WHACK!

Meanwhile, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, provides us with today’s THN Daily Affirmation: “The only thing worse than childhood leukemia is making children with leukemia drink lima bean juice.”

Carla is sick and tired of customers who pretend to know more about your own products and service expertise. Folks, there’s a difference between chalk line residue and “rusty products.” Also, odds are, your five-star rideshare driver knows the fastest route. Your venerable construction company knows the best way to repair your roof. And your celebrated teacher is the actual curriculum master.

By the way, if you’re the expert, then why are you just wandering aimlessly around Walmart in a tube top showing off your camel toe to the world? IF YOU KNOW BETTER, THEN BLOODY WELL JUST DO IT YOURSELF!

Finally, screw GoFundMe. Without a doubt, GoFundMe has the worst foreign-based call center on Planet Earth. They’re definitely at the front of a line for a THN Hatey Award next year.

And we conclude with Carla’s Yeast Infection Walmart Camel Toe Banana Bread recipe! Yum-yum!

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