HPR4484: When Your Dentist Uses ChatControl Logic

Hacker Public Radio

When Your Dentist Uses ChatControl Logic So there I am, sitting in the waiting room with a mildly annoying toothache. Nothing catastrophic, just one of those dull throbs that tells you something's going on in there that could turn nasty if ignored. The receptionist calls my name, and I walk into Dr. ChatControl's office. Dr. ChatControl greets me with a concerned expression. "I've reviewed your case," he says gravely, "and many others. Toothaches are a serious problem. Did you know that in 2023 alone, at least 101,988 people in Europe experienced dental pain? That's over 60% of all global dental complaints traced to this region." "Okay," I say. "But I just need you to look at this one tooth" "This is an epidemic," he interrupts. "And we can't just treat symptoms anymore. We need a comprehensive, mandatory risk assessment." Dr. ChatControl pulls out a 47-page questionnaire. "First, we assess the risk that your mouth might develop cavities, gum disease, or oral cancer," he explained. "This applies to everyone, regardless of whether they have symptoms." "But I have symptoms," I sigh. "That's why I'm here." "Exactly!" he says triumphantly. Which means you're high-risk. So we move to Phase Two: mitigation measures." He hands me a pamphlet titled Safety-by-Design for Oral Health . "From now on, you'll need to implement parental controls on your diet. Every candy will come with an age verification wrapper and user reporting mechanisms. so your teeth can flag potential problems, and verify your age before consuming any hard foods." "I'm 38," I retort. "Perfect," he replies. "That means you're old enough to consent to monitoring." "Now," Dr. ChatControl continues, "since your mitigation measures haven't been implemented yet because you just got here - I'm authorized to issue a detection order." He holds up an official-looking document with a judge's signature. "This allows me to scan not just the tooth that hurts, but your entire mouth. Also your sinuses. And your lymph nodes. And, just to be thorough, everyone in the waiting room." "Wait, what?" I blurt out. "It's targeted," he assures me. "We're only scanning high-risk areas—which, according to our independent EU Dental Centre, is every tooth, every patient, all the time." "But here's the clever part," Dr. ChatControl says, pulling out what looks like a tiny sander strapped to an airbrush. "Well, your enamel contains layers that currently block our view with regards to early detection of certain viruses. So we need to replace the enamel with an optimized layer that perfectly protects against currently known sugars and acids but allows our government approved detection equipment to inspect the content of your teeth." I' flabberghasted. "You want to weaken my enamel?" "Only slightly!" he said cheerfully. "Just enough so that our scanner can monitor what's happening inside your teeth at all times. Don't worry,the new enamel will still protect you from everything else." "How's that possible if you can penetrate it?", I continue, still cautious. "Well, factory approved candies, for example," he says. "Reputable candy manufacturers have agreed to respect the adapted enamel and not penetrate it. They've signed a treaty to use optimized sugars." "And the artisanal candies?" I asked. "Ah," he said, adjusting his glasses. "Well, tho