Episode 5: Fond Pageantry

A Midsummer's Quarantine

Things escalate with the mortals when Hermia drinks some of Puck's concoction. It starts to look bleak for Oberon and Titania...'s favorite podcast.

To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

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Episode Five:

Fond Pageantry

Cast

(In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

INT. MORTAL’S APT.

HERMIA

So is this one live, then?

HELENA

Yeah, we’re live now. On air.

HERMIA

That is so brave, Helena, just putting yourself out there like that.

HELENA

Uh, thanks.

HERMIA

And I mean, it says a lot about how much Demetrius cares about you that he’s cool with it.

HELENA

What? Oh god, is it too much? I did try to make sure you were comfortable with--(it before you moved in)

HERMIA

Oh my god, Helena, it’s fine! I’m just saying, Demetrius isn’t exactly a public figure…

HELENA

You see yourself as a public figure?

HERMIA

And he’s not exactly a performer, you know?

HELENA

Ok look, I know I’ve been kinda pushing you two together, but you don’t have to--(insult him)

HERMIA

He’s like. Really real, you know?

HELENA

Oh. Yeah, I guess--

HERMIA

Just really genuine. And you know I’ll only let the best people be with my girl, right?

HELENA

...Oh. Well.

[knock on apartment door]

DEMETRIUS

[coming into the room in a hurry]

I’ll get it! None of you brilliant artists should be disturbed from your work.

LYSANDER

[following]

You don’t have to flee the conversation, Demetrius, I was just saying I don’t want you to get too attached. I’m flattered, you’re a beautiful man…

DEMETRIUS

Oh, Lysander, my beauty can’t hope to compare to yours.

LYSANDER

[sputtering] Well! That’s very kind, but -- (you shouldn’t)

[Demetrius opens the door]

PUCK

Drama delivery!

DEMETRIUS

Oh hello, it’s you. Wait what?

PUCK

[like he’s an idiot]

Drizly delivery? What else would I have said?

HERMIA

What’s this?

PUCK

This is an apology. Or confession. Whatever works.

[exaggerated sympathy]

Demetrius, I have to confess. I’ve been listening. Like I said last time, I’m a--

DEMETRIUS

A basketcase, yeah.

PUCK

Exactly. And well, it sounds like you’ve been having difficulties adjusting to some of the changes lately. Am I right?

DEMETRIUS

Not at all! I’m better than ever! How can I not be, surrounded by such beautiful -- (people)

PUCK

Yeah, yeah. Come here for a sec?

DEMETRIUS

What?

PUCK

Just… a little closer.

[Beat. Then a gross MWAH noise, followed by sputtering from DEMETRIUS]

That ought to do it!

DEMETRIUS

[still sputtering]

Did you just kiss me?

PUCK

Yep! You should be fixed now. Oh, but I did want to apologize for all the fuss, so I brought this for you. Your other favorite.

DEMETRIUS

[warily]

I don’t think I want anything from you.

PUCK

I’m sorry, you’re just one of my favorite podcast personalities! I couldn’t help myself. Take the drink in penance.

DEMETRIUS

Ok how did you know about this one? I don’t think I’ve ever said anything…

HERMIA

Demetrius, you didn’t tell me you had such amazing taste in beer!

DEMETRIUS

Actually I don’t think I’ve told anyone--

HERMIA

You know, you really shouldn’t accept drinks from strangers. It’s very risky. And you, you’re very risk-averse, and I respect that about you. I would never, ever ask you to change that.

DEMETRIUS

It sounds like you just want--

HERMIA

Let me take this bullet for you, Demetrius.

[opens a can of beer and drinks. Satisfied gasp. From here on out, total flirt with D.]

Oh yes, Demi, that was gorgeous. You really do have just like. The best taste.

LYSANDER

That’s what I’ve been saying.

HERMIA

Right? And I mean, Demetrius I don’t know if you’ve been staying on top of my Instagram…

DEMETRIUS

Uh, I mean I follow you.

HERMIA

Then you should know that my followers just adored your role in my recent posts. You’re my new star model!

DEMETRIUS

Oh. Uh. Really? Even with the green--

HERMIA

And I mean. I thought your idea to wear green lipstick was a bit daring, but somehow it worked, you know?

DEMETRIUS

My idea?

LYSANDER

You really do have the soul of an artist, and I can see why you’d be drawn to me. But my soul belongs to Helena, so I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to let you down gently.

HERMIA

The soul of an artist! That’s it exactly. And I mean, this morning? When you did yoga for your first time?

DEMETRIUS

I never said it was my first time.

HERMIA

Oh my god Demetrius, your downward facing dog was just scrumptious, especially for your first time.

DEMETRIUS

Scrumptious?

HELENA

[approaches]

Hey, what’s going--

[notices Puck still in the doorway]

Hi! Have we tipped you yet?

PUCK

[grinning]

Oh I’ve got everything I need.

HELENA

Then, uh. Thank you! Stay safe!

[closes door]

Hermia? Demetrius? What’s--

DEMETRIUS

Hermia just called my downward facing dog scrumptious.

HELENA

Oh. Well I mean, it was really impressive, especially since it was your first time…

LYSANDER

Not all of us can have my years of experience!

HELENA

Oh yeah, I mean hey, Lysander, I was really impressed by your….savasana.

LYSANDER

[pleased by this compliment]

That means corpse pose, you know.

HELENA

And I think you made an excellent corpse.

HERMIA

Demetrius, though, I mean you have so much potential.

HELENA

Hey, guys, why don’t we move to the couch? Did that guy really just bring a single can of beer?

DEMETRIUS

[sad he didn’t get any]

Yeah apparently it was an apology for. Uh. Kissing me?

HELENA

What?

HERMIA

Oh my god, it was totally uncool of him to ignore your boundaries like that, but I get it! I mean, who could blame him?

HELENA

O-oh! Wow. Well, uh, we don’t need to talk about that anymore. So uh. Hermia, what were we talking about before that guy showed up?

HERMIA

Hmm? Oh I don’t know Helena, I try to live in the present.

HELENA

But…

HERMIA

Demetrius, I really think my followers would love to see more of you. Maybe I could teach you some more yoga, one on one maybe, and we can take some pictures…

DEMETRIUS

Uh, sure! Do you really think that would help?

HELENA

You know, right now, I feel like we should focus on things that my listeners can follow, not so much visual stuff… We’re live, remember?

HERMIA

Oh my god Helena, why didn’t you just say that?

HELENA

I told you that like two minutes ago.

HERMIA

Helena’s listeners, you are so sweet to support my friend the way you do. I also think you would really like my instagram account, my handle is @grow.live.die…

HELENA

[to Demetrius, trying not to sound jealous]

You, uh. She was really flirting with you! I thought I’d rescue you.

[panics]

Not that you need rescuing! Or that her flirting with you is a bad thing. I just... didn’t want to put you on the spot! You know, live. On air. That seemed like it could be bad, and before you came in Hermia was actually talking about how putting you on the air live might be asking a lot, and…

DEMETRIUS

It’s ok! Really, I don’t mind. I’d say if I did.

HELENA

Would you?

DEMETRIUS

[distracted]

Sure! Why wouldn’t I. Uh, what’s Lysander doing?

HELENA

I don’t know. Hermia, hang on, lemme just grab…

[takes the mic, walks closer to Lysander so he fades in]

LYSANDER

...such joy to see you here! Ah Cobweb, it hath been so long! I feared I went where you could not follow!

HELENA

[quietly]

Did he say Cobweb?

DEMETRIUS

I think so.

LYSANDER

Well of course! Your words of wisdom have never failed me.

HELENA

Did he get ahold of some paint again?

DEMETRIUS

I’m not sure it’s physically possible to stop him.

HERMIA

Oh, he’s just talking to the cobwebs again. He does that. But who cares about him? Let’s be present here with each other, Demetrius. Just you and me.

HELENA

[skeptical]

Uh. I am also here.

HERMIA

Demetrius, how about I show you the crow pose, I can help you balance.

LYSANDER

I can certainly do that, my dear muse! Professing my feelings, my attraction, it’s the perfect outlet for the poetry inside me!

HELENA

[skeptical]

Are the cobwebs telling him to flirt more?