My Kids' Birth Unlocked My Childhood Trauma: NICK RAEBURN

BLUE MUMDAYS

I chat to Nick Raeburn, aka 'That Social Nerd'. Nick came to my attention in a very brave and raw LinkedIn post, where he talked about the huge flood of emotion he experienced in becoming a dad. Prior to having children, Nick had never cried - a result of the awful abuse he suffered as a child. This is a very emotional and deeply profound conversation; I don't think I've cried as much - or laughed as much - during an interview!

*TRIGGER WARNING: *Brief (but not graphic) early mention of Child Abuse, discussion of Trauma*

IN THIS EPISODE WE DISCUSS:

[00:00] Teaser quote.

[02:46] Introduction to Nick.

[03:42] How the birth of his daughter was the catalyst to unlocking his emotions.

[04:41] How Nick was helped through therapy and E.M.D.R. (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing).

[05:28] Lack of support during his childhood. Catharsis from expressing how he feels on social media.

[07:02] How the pandemic has affected attitudes to life and mental health.

[08:12] How Nick had buried the painful experiences of his childhood.

[09:28] Approaching fatherhood. The differences in the birth of his first and second child.

[12:46] Meeting his daughter for the first time. The importance of emotional intelligence.

[16:06] The unrelenting horror of sleep deprivation!

[21:54] The early days of having his newborn daughter at home.

[23:29] Feelings of anger, resulting from Nick's adverse childhood experiences.

[27:50] Owning his story and reclaiming his power.

[29:20] Fatherhood and masculinity. Discovering 'A Band of Brothers'. Mentorship.

[35:27] Recovery, including the E.M.D.R. therapy and mentoring other young men.

[43:00] How Nick has changed from the man his wife originally married.

[45:21] The importance of fathers engaging with their children - the 'First 1001 Days'.

[48:10] Nick's hopes for his son, going forward.

[50:06] Advice for those who have experienced abuse, but have never talked about it.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

1. Click here for more information on E.M.D.R., known as Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing.
2. Link to Rosey's website, 'PND and Me', founder of the #PND hour on Twitter.
3. Listen to the Blue MumDays episode 'When Birth Leads to Trauma' with Dr Rebecca Moore. Find out more about charity 'Make Birth Better' here, Rebecca’s organisation for supporting parents and healthcare professionals suffering from birth trauma or vicarious trauma.
4. Read more on the book 'The Body Keeps The Score' by Bessel Van Der Kolk, “mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma”.
5. This 'Loving Kindness Meditation' will help you relax, reset and recharge. It’s only 15 minutes long and you don’t have to meditate - just close your eyes and listen. There’s no pressure to do anything, but it might just help you to relax. (Thank you to Poonam Dhuffer of YSM8 for creating this specially for Blue MumDays.)
6. Learn more about award-winning charity 'A Band of Brothers' by clicking on the link. They helped Nick enormously and now he mentors others through it. Its aim is to help young men grow and develop, improving their lives and that of the communities they live in.
7. Further support for fathers can be found here: Fathers Reaching Out, Music Football Fatherhood, PMH Support, Dope Black Dads and Dad Matters.
8. LISTEN: Blue MumDays S1 Ep 3 Elliott Rae on PTSD in Fathers.
9. LISTEN: Blue MumDays S1 Ep 8 The Daddy Blues with Mark Williams and S1 Ep 9 Mark Williams part 2 on PND in Fathers.
10. LISTEN: Blue MumDays S1 Ep 18 Dr Andrew Mayers discusses PND in dads.
11. Learn more about the 'First 1001 Days' campaign by clicking this link. The Parent Infant Foundation state that “the first 1001 days include pregnancy and the first two years of a child’s life. There is clear, compelling evidence that this is a significant and influential phase in development.”
12. Click here for NHS guidance on P.T.S.D. (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). There are some good support networks listed there too.
13. PTSD UK are a UK charity dedicated to raising awareness of post-traumatic stress disorder, no matter the trauma that caused it.

If you enjoyed this episode, please share, rate and subscribe. It really does make the difference in helping others find it – which means helping more parents in need.

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NEXT EPISODE:

Next time I speak to Laura Bisbey, who was diagnosed with perinatal distress and anxiety during her pregnancy. This sadly continued following the birth of her daughter. Laura tells me about her feelings of rage during the pregnancy, and - once her daughter had been born - her struggles with bonding and the onset of O.C.D. (obsessive compulsive disorder). It's a tremendously brave conversation and I am so grateful to Laura for sharing her story with us.

SUPPORT:

*FOR SUPPORT SPECIFIC TO THIS EPISODE, PLEASE SEE THE KEY TAKEAWAYS*

If you are struggling right now, please know that it’s okay to talk and reach out for help.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND WILL NOT FEEL THIS WAY FOR EVER.

We hope these support services are helpful (please note we do not check or monitor them individually).

Action on Postpartum Psychosis (APP)

Moderated Forum, click here to find out more.

Email: [e-mail] / Tel: [phone]

The ADHD Foundation - the neurodiversity charity

Call us - 0151 541 9020 / Email - [e-mail]

AIMS for better birthing.

Email: [e-mail]

This email will go to a group of AIMS volunteers and someone will respond as soon as possible. / Telephone: [phone] (leave message)

Andy's Man Club

A non-judgemental talking group for men

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/club-information/clubs/ [e-mail]

Association of Postnatal Illness

Helpline: 10am – 2pm – 0207 386 0868 / Email: [e-mail] (Live chat online facility)

Beat Eating Disorders,

The UK's eating disorder charity.

0808 801 0677 / Email: [e-mail]

Best Beginnings

Free NHS-accredited Baby Buddy app offering 24/7 App support for new parents

Bi-Polar UK

email: [e-mail]

Birth Trauma Association

Email: [e-mail]

CALM

Contact CALM on their national helpline: 0800 58 58 58 (5pm-midnight)

Cedar House Support Group

Email: [e-mail] (Liz Wise) / Mobile: [phone]

Contact: for families with disabled children

Support, advice and information for parents with disabled children.

• helpline: 0808 808 3555
• website: https://contact.org.uk/

Contact a Family

www.cafamily.org.uk

Contact a Family offer support for all childhood conditions, are also able to put families in touch. Featuring a directory of conditions and rare disorders online.

Helpline: 0808 808 3555 (lines open Monday – Friday 9.30am – 5pm)

CLAPA – Cleft Lip and Palate Association

www.clapa.com - Information and support on cleft lip and palate treatment.

Dad Matters

Support dads to have successful relationships with their families, with mental health and accessing services through peer support and signposting.

[e-mail]

0161 344 0669

DadsNet

Offers support and knowledge through a community of dads on practical parenting and fatherhood.

Dope Black Dads

A digital safe space for fathers who wish to discuss their experiences of being black, a parent and masculinity in the modern world. [e-mail]

Family Lives

An organisation providing immediate help from volunteer parent support workers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Helpline: 0808 800 2222 / www.familylives.org.uk

Family Rights Group

Support for parents and other family members whose children are involved with or need social care services. Helpline: 0808 801 0366 / www.frg.org.uk

Fathers Reaching Out

https://www.reachingoutpmh.co.uk/ run by Mark Williams, offering support to dads.

FiveXMore

A grassroots organisation committed to changing Black women and birthing people’s maternal health outcomes in the UK. Email: [e-mail]

Gingerbread

Single parents, equal families. Help and advice on the issues that matter to lone parents. Helpline 0808 802 0925 / www.gingerbread.org.uk

The Hub of Hope - A directory of mental health support around the UK.

LGBT Mummies

Supporting LGBT+ women & people globally on the path to motherhood or parenthood.

Email: [e-mail]

Make Birth Better (Birth Trauma Support)

Email: [e-mail]

Maternal OCD

Peer support available, email [e-mail] to arrange

Mayah's Legacy

Supporting and empowering anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss to advocate for themselves. Email: [e-mail] / 0300 102 1596

The Motherhood Group

Dedicated to sharing and supporting the black maternal experience through peer support, projects and advocacy. [e-mail]

Motivational Mums Club

Offering Trauma, Mindfulness and Meditation sessions for Mothers and Mums to be with an NHS Mental Health Specialist, who’s also a Mother. [e-mail]

Music Football Fatherhood - [e-mail]

Open conversations around fatherhood, including blogs, peer support and podcasts.

Muslim Women’s Network

Helpline: 0800 999 5786, open Mon-Fri 10am–4pm with support offered in English, Urdu, Punjabi, Mirpuri, Putwari, Hindko and Bengali. Email: [e-mail]

Online chat: www.mwnhelpline.co.uk / Text: 07415 206 936

National Autistic Society www.autism.org.uk

Support and advice for parents and carers of autistic children, including support to develop a greater understanding of their child’s needs and accessing services that meet the family's needs.

Netmums

Netmums offer peer support via their Maternal Mental Health Drop-InClinic.

NHS

Contact your local GP surgery. Call the NHS on 111

or contact a local NHS urgent mental health helpline

If you are in crisis, visit Accident & Emergency at your nearest hospital.

PANDAS

Helpline open from 9am-8pm every day – 0843 2898 401

Email support available – [e-mail]

Perinatal Wellbeing Ontario

PRENATAL, PREGNANCY AND POSTPARTUM SUPPORT & CONNECTION in Canada

[e-mail]

Petals

Petals offers free-of-charge specialist counselling to anyone who has experienced pregnancy or baby loss. Tel: [phone]

Web: petalscharity.org/counsellingcontact/

Email: [e-mail]