Season 1, Episode 47: A Bleeding Ass Requiem for Gus the Photobombing Hound & Gilbert Gottfried

The Hate Napkin

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali unleashes hate upon irresponsible dog owners. When two dogs are sniffing at each other apprehensively, the last thing they need is their owners to start screaming bloody murder and waving their hands like Kermit the Frog. In Dogese, this translates to: “KILL THE BASTARD!”

Co-host Arik, who was once bit in the nuts by a 170-pound Anatolian shepherd, agrees: “HEY FIDO! INSTEAD, TEAR OUT THE THROAT OF YOUR DUMB OWNER!”

Arik surmises that The Hate Napkin’s success (wait, it’s successful?) is due to the fact that (1) Arik loves cats and hates dogs, (2) Pauly from Bali loves dogs and hates cats, and (3) Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, loves Arik and Pauly.

Speaking of felines and canines, Carla has an announcement: Gus the photobombing hound had to be put down due to cancer. Yet Gus’ ashes remain in the video background in perpetuity for all to see. (How long will it be before Carla puts Arik and Pauly down? Stay tuned!)

Next. While the Arbor Day Foundation remains just about the only charity Arik will make donations to these days, he can’t entirely leave the ADF folks off the hook. “Every four days, I receive this HUGE packet of paper from the Arbor Day Foundation. So basically you took all my money, cut down a bunch of trees, then sent me the remains asking to help grow new ones. This is kind of like St. Jude asking you for funds on the skin of dead cancer babies.”

The bile in Arik has been building: he also can’t stand the celebrity overthrow of all forms of media, including podcasts! “Here we are, toiling away for 40-some episodes, and Andy Dick comes along and takes our penultimate spot at the bottom of the podcast ratings!”

Carla: “40 episodes of nothing. The Hate Napkin: the Seinfeld of podcasts.”

Finally, we conclude with Arik’s bleeding anus and Pauly’s bloody party trick—plus Pauly pees himself, and Arik shovels his own poo!

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