Season 1, Episode 49: THE AMAZING KUM & GO AMISH GAS PUMP BLOCKER GANG

The Hate Napkin

My name is Bob. You rarely hear from me directly. I’m the senior editor at THN Media. One of my responsibilities is to create the summaries for each episode. Most of the time, it’s really fun. Hell, no one even cares if I just make up stuff.

But I really don’t know what to do about Episode 49. At this week’s staff meeting, I suggested that we shove it in a missile casing and launch it toward North Korea. Everyone told me to get back to work.

Episode 49 started out fine enough. As you know, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is also the manager of the local Dairy Queen. Co-host Arik asks her: “When you’re cleaning the DQ men’s room, instead of using urinal cakes, do you just drop a Dilly Bar in the urinal?”

Cute. Well, I thought so. Carla stared hard at Arik, then proceeded to read a lovely hate letter from Nikki Goldenheart: “Hello, my fellow dispensers of Hatorade! Let’s keep it simple. I hate vehicles that hog up all of the gas pumps on any one aisle at the gas station—especially Amish passenger vans!”

Carla follows this golden epistle by sharing her hatred of websites that refuse a user access until they sign up for the site. Pauly practically has a hategasm over this.

That’s when things go sideways. Pauly hates idiots—then throws himself on The Hate Napkin. (Clearly, he’s just positioning himself for an upcoming Hatey.)

Then Arik goes off the rails. He starts with a nostalgic sidebar about Kurt Vonnegut and the heyday of the short story. Then something about lot lizards and cheese curds at the local Kum & Go. Something something The Pooper. Then a story about the time when columnist Dan Savage visited the Columbia City Paper staff. Arik finally concludes with an aborted THN PSA about getting bodily fluids and excrement on the sheets during lovemaking.

Arik concludes: “There really isn’t any shame—it’s all just part of the human experience. We’re stuck on this tiny rock in the middle of a galaxy surrounded by billions of other galaxies with billions of stars.”

Um, not quite true. Actually, there is quite a bit of shame. And it’s called Episode 49.

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