Season 1, Episode 62: BOYS HAVE SPIKES, GIRLS HAVE PUMAS

The Hate Napkin

Season 1, Episode 62: BOYS HAVE SPIKES, GIRLS HAVE PUMAS

Welcome to naked hate! No, literally. Co-host Arik shows up in his birthday suit. Dude, stop grabbing your mike. Great gag. Now can someone please tell him this is a podcast?

First up! Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reads a totally forgettable listener letter from someone in Indiana whose name is just as easily forgotten—upon which, sound engineer Pauly from Bali is quick to declare that he detests Indiana. Arik agrees. Indiana: Even God hates Hoosiers.

Meanwhile, Carla is enjoying retirement. She spends most of her days yelling at young men to stay off her lawn. The boys are curious. Is her lawn bushy? Well-trimmed? “Sorry, boys, when you’re this old, all the hedges die.”

Arik: “Saves money on Brazilians.”

Carla: “How many is a Brazilian?”

Moving right along. Cock. Dick. Schlong. Wang. There are so many wonderful nicknames for the male genitalia. And also for the female hoo-ha too. But who the hell came up with the medical terms “penis” and “vagina” in the first place? Could there be two worse words for everyone’s favorite skin toys? Team THN determines to rename them both. From now on, boys have spikes and girls have pumas. Except Pauly—Pauly has a nub.

Pauly is also sitting in a restaurant at a table with an uneven table leg. “I came in here to spend money, to relax—and it turns out that this place is just as unstable as my job, my marriage, my friendships—and everything else in my GD life!”

Finally, Carla hates food smackers. How damn hard is it to eat with your mouth closed? Agreed. Ladies and gentlemen, in the future, when you’re eating wieners, kindly keep your lips sealed.

THN PSA: “Hate. It’s the most American thing we can do.”

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