Season 1, Episode 58: SLIM JIMS FOR EVERYONE!

The Hate Napkin

Ah, life in the Anals of Hate. As Marcus Aurelius once opined: “We are all but mere polyps fixed in a sea of poo.” Or some such.

Co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali regale all with tall tales from their gonzo journalism days in Columbia, South Carolina: from redneck Michael Jackson karaoke to kayaking to the bar during flash floods.

Folks, Slim Jims are on the house!

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the THN Anals of Hate Mailbag and produces a short missive from Sheila: “You guys suck. Why not do a show called The Love Napkin?”

Well, Sheila, first of all, we already had signs made. Second, a love napkin sounds like something you buy for 50 cents from a Kum & Go bathroom vending machine. Ooh! A cherry-flavored love napkin. Plus, it’s ribbed!

Carla hates getting after-hours work texts—especially when you reply to a customer’s 9 p.m. text, only for them to shoot back, “Sorry, I’m too busy.” Listen, mofo! You’re the one who interrupted my one hour of peaceful, streaming BritBox before bedtime! So here’s an emoji of a hammer and an eggplant! Take a hint.

Also: ACHTUNG! DING! DING! DING! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Holy crap! Are the Russians invading?! No, sorry, it’s just the coffee machine—your coffee is warmed up. It’s just the dryer—your clothes are dry. It’s just the microwave—your food is finished heating. Seriously?! Does every appliance have to come with a built-in 140-decibel nuclear apocalypse alarm?

Pauly: “Listen, I would rather lose a bagel once a year than have a PTSD complex from my toaster.”

Finally, Arik hates love. (Screw you, Sheila.)

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