3 Compelling Reasons to Learn About Abuse – What You Need To Know

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Making the decision to learn about abuse is a big leap for many women. The ramifications feel overwhelming: by doing so, they may confirm their partner is abusive.

Need support? Learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Support Group.

3 Reasons To Learn About Hidden Abuse:

1. Learn about abuse so that safety is the top priority.
2. An emotional abuser will you forgiveness as a weapon.
3. Learning about emotional and psychological abuse does not create abuse.

Anne and Coach Christina discuss the fact that society discourages women from learning about abuse, pushing the belief that if women learn about abuse, they’ll start making “mountains out of molehills” or imaging abuse where it isn’t present. But as Anne points out, abuse doesn’t appear out of thin air. And choosing to educate yourself about it can be life-saving for you or someone you love.

Transcript: 3 Compelling Reasons To Learn About Abuse

Anne: I have one of our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coaches on today’s episode, Coach Christina. She’s a betrayal trauma coach with over 15 years experience. Here at BTR, she validates women’s experiences while helping them use the Living Free Workshop strategies to make their way to emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical safety. Christina believes every woman can use these effective strategies to recover and heal from trauma.

Coach Christina and I will cover three compelling reasons to learn about hidden abuse today. I’m going to lay them out for you right now really quick. Number one, learn about emotional and psychological abuse, so that your emotional safety is the top priority. Number two, an emotional and psychological abuser will use forgiveness as a weapon. And number three, learning about emotional and psychological abuse doesn’t create emotional and psychological abuse.

And we’ll go into detail about why those things are important throughout this conversation. I am so grateful that Christina is on our coaching team. She is incredible.

Anne: Let’s start with how you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery.

Christina: Hi Anne, I love being part of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery coaching team. It’s incredible to work alongside you and our amazing coaches here.

Terrified About & Finding That Betrayal Trauma Recovery Is Safe

Christina: I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery as a woman who had just experienced my own betrayal, but then I was nervous. As I hear many of our clients say, I was nervous. I did not know. I said, is this place real? Is it safe? I had no clue. I was terrified of contacting a group of people I did not know, especially when there are so many groups out there.

And so I put it off. One therapist said it was the marriage’s fault. What was my husband missing from the marriage? Delve into him. Why did he have an affair?

And I fought that with tooth and nail. I never surrendered to that idea one time. And so I didn’t realize that as I was fighting through those codependent ideas. He could just simply blame the marriage, which meant he was blaming me. Which had him not taking full responsibility.

I never surrendered to that idea and am so grateful. So I would fight it, fight it, fight it. I just wanted to heal and even understand what happened. After going through a codependent model through therapy, I knew that wasn’t it. I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery again.

I said, well, you know what? What do I have to lose? I will try it out. And I’m going to get on this session right away. Best decision I made. I learned I needed to be in safety at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. And that’s what the codependent model did not teach me. I learned that in the codependent model, you communicate that boundary. And then he’s just gonna magically do what you say. Because clearly he’s gonna do it now that he’s betrayed the relationship.

1. Learn About Abuse So That Emotional Safety Is The Top Priority

Christina: Actually, it’s the opposite. He betrayed the relationship because of his character. He is boundless, so he’s not gonna respect the boundaries. Like many of our clients, when they come and they’re new, my first session, I didn’t say anything. So I was just listening and seeing if these women are safe.

That was my biggest thing. Are these women safe? Am I in the right group? I found that was the first thing. I found the rules of the group were for our safety. The coach, I mean, she was just full of education and yet she didn’t tell us what to do. She just simply asked us questions.

She asked the other ladies questions, and the ladies were safe to cry. They were safe to talk about vulnerable topics, and they were safe to wade through the questions. They learn about abuse and get to a place where they are enlightened. I saw women at different stages of their recovery. I saw where I was and where I wanted to be. And I thought that that was so powerful for my first session. And so I learned that it’s my job to keep myself safe, and that’s exactly what I did after that.

Anne: Well, I’m grateful that you found us. I’m grateful when any woman finds us, because the first reason to learn about emotional and psychological abuse is that your safety needs to be the top priority. Your emotional safety, your psychological safety. Many people think when I say safety, I mean, like pack up your bags and leave the house. And that’s actually not what I’m talking about.

Learn About Abuse To Find Strategies To Deal With It

Anne: There are ways to be emotionally safe remaining in the same home, if that’s what you so choose. There are so many amazing strategies, and I teach them in the Living Free Workshop, and then our coaches can help you learn to use these strategies. We get so many messages and stories that say I had been through therapy for years or went to couple therapy or pornography addiction recovery. And nobody ever said the word abuse. They don’t say you need to learn about abuse.

Did you recognize his behaviors as abuse at the beginning of your marriage?

Christina: Absolutely not. I pretty much grew up around manipulation tactics and stonewalling. That was actually very common for me. So I thought that’s what marriage was about. And so I would tackle it head on. It wasn’t something I didn’t address. I definitely addressed it, and I thought, oh, we’re good. We talked about it. And so I didn’t recognize it as abuse.

And I was shocked when I learned the word abuse properly, because I would only think about abuse in terms of physical abuse. I did not think of it in terms of emotional or psychological, although throughout the marriage, I addressed it because I knew it wasn’t right. And it did not leave me feeling like I was being valued.

Anne: Yeah, you knew something was wrong. When did you recognize that these typical, you know, love, serve, forgive, do your part kinds of things weren’t working?

It Is Difficult To Recognize The Reality Of Abuse

Christina: I realized that after Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I remember my second group meeting when I opened up and they started giving us tools and books. I remember I put the book down and ran to the mirror. And I was like, oh my, I’ve been abused. I stayed up late after all my children went to bed, and I just sat with that. I sat with that and I’m like, this is abuse. This is why it is wrong. This is what I felt this whole time, and yet did not have the word for it.

You had to forgive, you serve, we talk about it, then you’re okay. But it never went away. That was the key. And I certainly was never encouraged to create safety for myself. Like, you know, this means you’re safe, you’re married. This is safety. And so that’s when I finally realized, wait a minute, this is abuse. And now I can look back and say that was abuse throughout the marriage.

Anne: Now from a coaching perspective, why do you think it’s so hard for women to recognize that what they’re experiencing is abuse?

Christina: The hardest thing is, this is someone our clients love. This is your husband, and this is who you love. And so it’s hard to associate. I’ve been loving this person who has been abusing me. This person is my husband, and he is an abuser. That is so hard to reconcile those two things when you learn about abuse.

2. An Emotional And Psychological Abuser Will Use Forgiveness As A Weapon

Anne: Especially when everything about love is trying to understand someone’s view, give them the benefit of the doubt, and serve them. And when so many of those things, when you’re in an abusive situation, are used as weapons. Even your emotions, because abusers don’t see emotion as a way to connect, they see emotion as a way to manipulate people.

And so even those emotional times where you thought maybe you were close once you got out of the fog, whoa, I shared those things. Then he used them to groom me and use them as weapons. And that is so shocking to so many women when they finally realize what is going on. And learn about abuse.

Christina: Absolutely. Absolutely. It’s hard to accept that as reality, absolutely.

Anne: So one of the things that you love talking about, which I’m going to just preface this word carefully, because it’s a very triggering word for people. Because a lot of clergy use it as a weapon against victims, and then also therapists use it as a weapon. Maybe the abuser’s family uses this word as a weapon. And so let’s say the word. Everyone kind of brace yourself. Here we go. It’s forgiveness.

The second reason to learn about abuse is that an emotional and psychological abuser will use forgiveness as a weapon.

Christina: Yes.

Anne: So people will say, well, you just need to forgive or he’s changed when he hasn’t. And you know that he hasn’t. So when we talk about forgiveness, one of your favorite questions to ask clients, and I love that you do this, is you ask, what are you forgiving?

Determination Of What I Am Forgiving

Anne: Can you talk about why that question is so important to you?

Christina: It is so important. Because, you know, a client comes to their clergy, their pastor, their small group leader, they go to their family, some of their friends even. And they say what happens, and that scripture is used, you must forgive, you must forgive. And I encourage our clients to look directly at them and say, well, what exactly am I forgiving? Because, okay, am I forgiving the acting out?

Okay, but what caused the acting out? What informed my husband to betray me. And informed him to commit adultery? What informed him to watch pornography? What informed him to be unkind to only me? Also what informed him to abuse me? And ask them directly, is that what I’m forgiving? Is it that, or just the acting out? And where do we engage with who that person is, who my husband is, and what he has done to me?

And I believe when that question is asked, that is the place where true healing is for the victim of abuse. Because you’re saying, “Well, this is who you are, and what you’ve done to me. I’m accepting who you are.” I do have to move forward in time, but only after I have all the information and learn about abuse, and is that being addressed? It’s who he is being addressed and what he’s done. Is that being addressed?

Or are you just using forgiveness as a weapon against me? And trying to fast forward me when I’ve been a victim and injured by his behavior, by his abuse. I’m injured, and you’re telling me to forgive when he has not even been addressed on who he is.

The Necessity Of Boundaries When You Learn About Abuse

Christina: And for me, the violations against scripture, he violated God’s word. He violated God. He violated our family. And so I have to know who that person is, and then I’ll be on the journey to forgiveness.

Anne: So let me see if I can restate. To forgive him, you have to acknowledge the truth, which is this is abuse. I know you’re an abuser. I’m forgiving you for being an abuser. Now that I know you’re an abuser and can forgive you, I need to also make sure I am safe from you. Because now that I know what you are, I can forgive and move on by setting boundaries, by making sure I’m as safe as possible, et cetera, et cetera. So am I correctly stating that?

Christina: You are stating that absolutely correctly. Because once you delve into who he is, and learn about abuse, you know what you are actually forgiving.

His Willful Decisions Are Dangerous To Emotional, Psychological & Spiritual Health

Christina: Number one, the hope is pastors, friends, clerks say, wait a minute, hold up. She’s actually not safe. His core of who he is has informed him to make these decisions to abuse.

That is a choice. That was his willful decision. And she absolutely needs to get to a place of safety. That’s the hope. And if they don’t, then for the woman, wife, betrayed victim, it’s saying, wait a minute, hold up. That is who he is. I absolutely need to be in a place of safety.

It does not automatically mean it’ll be reconciliation. That’ll be for the offender to do the work of changing his core of who he is. He has to reform who he is. But it does say, Hey, I need to be safe where there’s some separation. If you cannot leave, you wrap yourself in bubble wrap. You know exactly who you’re dealing with and learn about abuse.

And you don’t have any surprises. You know exactly who he is. But now you know, that’s not lost on you or anyone else. And you know, your safety, the safety of your family is the primary focus. That’s what I mean when I say, what are you forgiving? Because that puts the highlight on who he is.

Anne: Forgiveness is, I wouldn’t say, impossible, but very difficult without boundaries. Boundaries and safety enable that forgiveness. And it’s also part of this radical acceptance that everybody’s talking about. Where you’re like, oh, this person is dangerous or unhealthy, and they’re dangerous to my emotional health.

They’re dangerous to my psychological health. And they’re dangerous to my spirit. And so. I’m going to forgive them for that. I’m sorry that that happened. And I’m going to ensure that doesn’t happen again by setting boundaries.

https://youtu.be/8FgurwYmD24

Forgiveness Has Nothing To Do With Trust & Reconciliation

Anne: Because we all know, hopefully we know. If you don’t, forgiveness has nothing to do with trust. It has nothing to do with reconciliation, nothing to do with communicating with your abuser. It is to set us free, and it takes time and is a process. And so anyone who expects forgiveness quickly, and also expects reconciliation, does not understand forgiveness. And is also not prioritizing your safety.

Christina: 100 percent agree. You know, I love how in our sessions, I can even hold up the diagram, what forgiveness is versus what trust is. You know, forgiveness requires nothing of the offender. It is unconditional. It is based on grace and trust, which requires much of the offender is conditional, and is based on works.

And I love that. It’s just right from your book, Trauma Mama Husband Drama. And I love how it’s simply put, and it’s absolutely true. Forgiveness, in my humble opinion, doesn’t have to be a horrible word for those injured. And yet, it doesn’t give anyone the right to use it as a weapon. It is a process.

It takes time. A lot of times, our husbands have kept this secret world and secret life for years, for years, and usually before they even met us. And so to find out and then in the next moment you’re supposed to forgive is unfair, and it should definitely not be used as a weapon of any sort.

It is a process, and in time, forgiveness sets us free. It doesn’t mean there’ll be a reconciliation of any sort. Or It doesn’t mean you will automatically trust them at all. They have to do the work and learn about abuse. To gain the trust that they destroy it back. That’s their job.

Setting Boundaries For Safety When You Learn About Abuse

Anne: Those who have listened to this podcast from the beginning know that my voice now sounds so much different than it did in the beginning. Number one, because I altered it before because I was so terrified. Now this is my actual voice. But number two, my confidence, my peace, and my safety, have improved over time.

And the reason is because I really prayed, studied, and discovered the strategies I now teach in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. It was such a miracle to be enlightened with those strategies. And then to use them and see that they worked, and then to help other women use them. And then to create a detailed workshop to help women do it too.

I know so many of our Betrayal Trauma Recovedry Group Session clients use the Living Free Workshop as a session tool to learn how to set effective boundaries.

Can you talk about that?

Christina: So I make boundaries very simple. I encourage our clients that the first boundary you ever make is for yourself, and to step back and say, wait a minute, is that okay? Or is it not okay? If it’s not okay, I need to make sure I’m safe. And I make it just that simple. Is this okay for me? No, it’s not okay. It’s absolutely not okay. Okay. Or okay, that is okay. Abuse is never okay. Scripture does not support abuse in any way, shape, or form. You can learn about abuse.

It is not our role to submit to abuse, it is not okay. It is okay for us to maintain safe boundaries for ourselves and for our family. That is okay. And no one has that right to choose that for us.

How To Determine The Truth, Is He Abusive?

Anne: I experience this as I’m talking with victims all over the world. Many times they’ll say, He does this, it bothers me, but is this abuse? As if someone else needs to tell them what they’re experiencing is acceptable or not. They feel uncomfortable, then let’s say Anne Blythe of Betrayal Trauma Recovery says, “Oh, that’s fine. That’s not abuse. You need to learn about abuse.”

And they’d be like, well, I guess Anne said grabbing a cookie out of my hand, and shoving it in his face, isn’t abuse. So I guess I accept that. A few lessons in Living Free, go over this in detail, like lesson 11. Where you’re getting in touch with your own sacred internal warning system. So that you decide what makes you feel safe, and how to get to safety.

I want to give women the confidence, nobody needs to tell you if it’s okay or not. Is it okay with you? Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel safe? That’s the only thing you need to pay attention to. If your clergy says, Oh, that’s not a big deal. All men do that. If a therapist is like, oh well, you just need to understand him more. Just think, is this acceptable to me? Is this something that I feel comfortable with in my own home?

Christina: Absolutely, I a hundred percent agree with that. Your woman’s intuition. It’s God given to you to use. It is beautiful. It is unique. And it identifies you and you know inside of yourself, oh, wait a minute. That is really not okay. Hold up. I did not feel safe. You know, introducing the proper words. Wait, are you safe? You know, can you be vulnerable? You know, it’s the truth in this relationship.

Intuition Is Your Greatest Gift

Christina: Is a relationship honest? And your intuition is your greatest gift. Your own for you in time to be able to even validate yourself and say, wait a minute, I’m listening to my intuition. I am not safe. Oh, that was not communicated. Well, I was just gaslit. And I know that for myself. That is one of our goals at Betrayal Trauma Recovery.

And I’m so thankful for that because a lot of times when a woman has been abused for so long, that part of her has been dismissed. She’s been taught to stuff it down. She’s been taught to listen to everybody else except herself. And that’s a woman’s greatest strength is her intuition.

Anne: I think clergy concerns and therapist concerns are like, well, we don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill. So we don’t want to call this abuse. And I think one of the reasons women are concerned about trying to learn about abuse is because they’re concerned that it will create abuse out of thin air when it didn’t exist before.

3. Learning About Emotional & Psychological Abuse Doesn’t Create Emotional & Psychological Abuse

Anne: And so this is the third reason to learn about emotional and psychological abuse. To learn about abuse doesn’t create abuse, it just keeps you safe. If you listened to this podcast, or you enrolled in the Living Free Workshop, or you buy one of my books. And you read it and you’re like, this doesn’t relate, this isn’t what I’m experiencing. Then you can know it’s not abuse. It’s like a process of elimination. If he’s not abusive, you’re not going to relate.

Learning about abuse doesn’t create abuse out of thin air. It helps you recognize what’s going on. The other thing that I have found is that as I have learned more about what abuse is, how it works, what the underlying issues are like control, manipulation, misogyny, things like that. I’ve also learned more about what healthy behaviors are, and I’ve actually felt more and more safe in the world because I can more clearly see abuse while it’s happening in real time.

I can witness something and be like, oh, that’s abuse. In fact, I was at Sequoia National Park and there was a man and a woman. They had been waiting, but then a line formed, and even though they got into the line and got on the shuttle. So it wasn’t a problem, he said to her. “What’s wrong with you? We woke up at four o’clock in the morning to do this. Now we have to be at the back of the line, and I don’t know what’s wrong with you.”

I stopped them and I pointed right at him at his chest and I said, what’s wrong with you? There’s nothing wrong with her. I don’t know what your problem is, but whatever it is, something is wrong with you.

Making A Molehill Out Of A Mountain

Anne: And then I tried to give her a compassionate look, but in that moment, I knew that is abuse. Like, I’m going to say something. And similarly with healthy men that I now observe, I’m like, oh, that’s healthy. That’s not abuse. Learning about abuse will not create abuse out of thin air, but may be there whether you know it or not.

Christina: Yes, and I was going to say the same thing. You know, the idea of creating a mountain out of a molehill is already there. It’s just a matter of whether you’re going to define it properly, diagnose it properly, identify properly as abuse, and get to safety. If anybody else recognizes this as the truth, the clergy, all those who would say that, and ignoring the actual abuse will not make it any better.

So actually opening up and reading the book. Getting the information that will help you address, oh, this is who he really is. This is who has been in my house in my bed. This is my husband, and it strengthens you when you see. So I was like, well, we’ll have to figure this out. You have to see and learn about abuse in situations to actually stand up to it.

And you identify it so much quicker, because now your intuition is informed. You’re like, oh, my intuition was telling me right. This entire time, and you’re strengthened, and you can know the difference and clearly identify it, especially if you’re not ignoring the mountain already there. Because the mountain is already there. It’s not a molehill.

Anne: Yeah, what they’re doing is making a molehill out of a mountain.

Christina: Exactly, right.

Anne: And that mountain is going to crush her.

We Welcome Interfaith & Interparadigm Viewpoints To Learn Of Abuse

Christina: It will crush her. And then what? I mean, it’s so unfortunate, because they’ll say that. And by the time she’s actually at a place of saying something, the mountain is already crushing her. Then there’s more to come by the time she can even express herself. It doesn’t get better over time when it’s not addressed properly.

Anne: Yes, exactly. So Betrayal Trauma Recovery is interfaith and interparadigm. We welcome everyone here. We have agnostics who listened to the podcast, atheists and Christians, Jewish women, everyone is welcome here to learn about abuse.

When we speak from a perspective of a woman of faith, we’re just speaking from our own experience, but not necessarily telling other women that they need to process it this way. So because Christina is a woman of faith, you like to create value for yourself in God’s word.

Dealing With Qualities Of Good & Evil

Anne: Can you talk about how God’s word has helped you feel that you have value?

Christina: The idea that in God’s word, I’m worth more than the whole world to God. And that when he defines love, love is patient. kind, not rude, not boastful, and it doesn’t demand its own way. When we learn about abuse, we realize it is not from God.

It’s not irritable. I mean, he’s talking about me and how much God loves me and in his love. Because I’m a woman, I’m supposed to believe I’m an object and an object of abuse? I’m neither. God made me, and he shaped me, and he loves me. And just like, there are way more scriptures about evil in the Bible, and that’s what he calls sin and what our husbands have done.

He calls it evil. And he said husbands are supposed to love their wives. As Christ loves the church, and he died and gave himself for the church. And that’s what I love about God. That is my value. My value is not defined by this experience I’ve had with my husband. It’s already defined in God’s word. I don’t have to give anything away.

Misinterpretation Of Scripture Can Rationalize Abuse

Christina: God has said I am loved and I am his. And that’s what I think I did in the beginning of my marriage and coming into the church. I believe the scripture was misappropriated. Ephesians chapter 5, and it was almost taught to us in the way that the husband acted any way he can, not nice.

He can be unkind. He can stonewall he can, even DARVO. None of those things were addressed back then. And your job is, you’re just supposed to submit. And that is not true. I look at submission completely differently. It means under the mission, and the mission is Christ. We need to learn about abuse and be safe.

The mission is not to be abused, punished, or an object. That is not Christ’s mission. The mission is Christ and his will, and my husband was supposed to submit to Christ. I submit to that. And the moment he did not, I have no responsibility to submit to him.

Anne: Yeah, absolutely agreed. Yeah, for us Christians submitting to God, right. And submitting to truth, submitting to righteousness, is really important to us. And so many women feel like I need to submit to my husband, but they don’t realize what they’re submitting to is evil. They’re submitting to evil, and God does not want us to do that.

Christina: Not at all.

Lies, Misogyny, Lack Of Integrity & Lack Of Empathy Are Character Issues Of Abusers

Christina: I believe Jesus said that when Satan lies, it’s in his character. He lies from his character. I thought that was so good when I joined Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Because I was so surprised, I kept hearing addiction and things like that. My husband had a sexual addiction, and then to find out, oh no, this is his character.

This was his choice, it was an integrity problem. He had an integrity abuse problem. I was blown away that no, this is a thinking problem. He’s misogynist, he has misogynistic thinking. And he lacked empathy. He had empathy for himself, but he definitely didn’t have empathy for his low wife and the misogynistic views he had for his wife.

He didn’t have that. And so I just absolutely love the truth here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Because it calls it out for what it is, and no man, no husband, is above God’s word. He isn’t subjugated to other parts of scripture because he’s a husband. Where if he lies, it’s evil. He watches pornography, it’s evil. He commits adultery, it’s evil. If he has wickedness in his heart, it is evil. And that’s what God’s word says. And I’m sticking to that.

Anne: Me too. So there’ve been several clergy people who tell me things like, well, pornography isn’t adultery. And I’m like, I think Jesus would have the final say on that. And he says it’s adultery. Or, these men aren’t bad guys. And I’m like, well, you know, the scriptures call them wicked. So I think I’ll stick with what the scriptures say. Thank you very much.

I find peace in the scriptures, and I find so much healing there that God hates this. He loves us and wants us to learn about abuse and safety.

Abuse Creates A Faith Crisis For Victims

Anne: For the women who find the scriptures triggery or difficult to read. Or church to be triggery or things like that, our heart goes out to you. So many women have decided to move away from their faith due to their abuse. I wanted to say from a Betrayal Trauma Recovery perspective, we understand that too. What makes me sad in that situation. Depending on what the woman is like and wants, we always support her and what’s best for her as she starts to learn about abuse.

What makes me sad about it is sometimes things women care about, like their faith or maybe other things. Let’s pretend like she really super cares about a certain football team. And that has been her identity, and she goes to all the football games, and she does a football party, and wears the jersey and everything. And then after she finds out her husband is an abuser and has been using football as a weapon against her.

Then suddenly she loses the ability to find joy in her team, and she can’t throw parties anymore. Every time she sees the jersey, she just wants to throw up, right. And that’s the same thing with women and their faith sometimes, in that some women have a visceral reaction to a man in a suit and tie, for example, or someone reading scriptures or something. And so I just want to send out love and hugs to you.

If you have lost something, no matter what, your faith, a football team, you know, could be. I don’t know, cheesecake, whatever it is. If you have lost something due to your husband’s abuse.

When You Learn About Abuse, You Learn It’s Not Your Fault

Anne: I’d encourage you to determine what things do serve you that you still love. And as you heal, reconnect with those things. Depending on what those are and where you’re at in your healing. Christina, you are an amazing coach. I’m so grateful that you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery and have become part of our team. From your perspective now, what advice would you give to women who are just finding out about their husband’s pornography use?

Christina: He hid that for years. I knew about that many years ago. And then it was something that, you know, he dealt with. The men in church said, don’t tell Christina. And once he started back after four years, he hid it. And so I had a dream that he was hiding something that I found out about an affair. Which led me to learn about abuse and that he was still in pornography and growing it the whole time.

So if you’ve just found out about your husband’s pornography use. It is not your fault, and had nothing to do with the marriage. It had nothing to do with you. I hear it a lot. Our clients, they’ll think about all the things they’ve brought into the marriage, whether their own childhood trauma, the areas where they feel like they fell short.

Whether it’s communication or what they can give, even in the worst marriage, it’s still not your fault. And my hope is that you as a woman can rest and know that this is a hundred percent his issue, not yours.

Anne: That’s really a good place to start.

Pornography Use Is A Marker For Abuse

Anne: The reason why I wanted to bring up pornography use is that we talk so much about abuse here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. And abuse is hard to figure out, right? You’ve got all this stuff going on. Is it abuse? Is it not abuse? But one of the easiest markers is pornography use. I just want to put everyone’s mind at ease or at, not at ease, I guess. It’s abuse if you know your husband uses pornography and lies about it, it’s the easiest marker.

It’s like someone punching you. Some women say, “Oh, I just wish he would punch me in the face.” They don’t want to be punched in the face. But they’d know what was going on. Many women say that. I would say that is exactly the same thing you can say about pornography.

If you know your husband has used pornography, if you’ve seen it on his phone or have had some inkling it’s going on. That is another marker. And it’s just as clear as someone punching you in the face. The unfortunate thing about pornography is that if you get punched in the face with it, if you do see it, then you know. But they can hide it forever. Then, you could never know about it. So in that case, you have to look at all the other markers and learn about abuse.

I think it’s important too, because it’s rarely brought up in mainstream abuse circles. Similarly, abuse is never talked about in the pornography addiction recovery world. At Betrayal Truama Recovery, we want to bring all these things together, so women can have a clear, round picture of the truth and what is happening.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery’s Comprehensive Support To Learn About Abuse

Anne: We have such an amazing strong coaching team. All of them can help you implement the strategies you learn about abuse in the Living Free Workshop, or you can just attend a Group Session and start wherever you want. We are here for. you, no matter where you are in your journey.