Ep 46 | How to Accept a Narcissist’s Behavior

But Still, She Thrives - Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Childhood Abuse, Trauma Healing

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This week, let's talk about Tips on how to accept a narcissist's behavior

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TRANSCRIPTSpeaker 1: (00:00)
My beauties, how are you? Okay. I have been off. I have been vacationing and I also went to the lake with my group of friends, and I wanted to just slide this in here in the intro. How important it is to find very supportive, upbeat, uplifting people that do not gossip, who aren't negative, who don't bring you down to have in your life. It's so important to surround yourselves with good freaking people. I can't tell you the difference in my life now from 15 years ago. I'm not saying all my friends were negative, but there were some people that I had to walk on eggshells around that brought me down. And now having a solid group of friends that just were there for each other and always positive and not like. Talking other people and doing things and doing fun things and doing good for others, it's just such a game changer.
Speaker 1: (01:05)
Like relationships are seriously a huge key to healing and to just living an amazing life. So maybe we'll talk about that next week, but for now today, I have gotten this question from multiple people in different ways. It's been said in different ways, but how do you accept that the narcissists are the way they are? How do you, you know, 'cause it's hard. You're like, you don't get it because you're not that way. So it's, it's awful because they're awful, but it's even more awful because we can't even understand how on earth someone could be like that or treat people like that when we're finally like seeing it for what it is, or on the other side, right? Just the thought of how they treat us or other people can give us that visceral reaction. I've been there and it boils your blood. And then they can set you off if you still have to have them in your life. Even if you're like, I know I don't want them. I, let's say you're divorced or they're a family member, but you feel like you can't fully disconnect whatever it is, you still have to have that connection. So you have to see them or hear from them, at least here and there. That visceral reaction when they say or do certain things, will haunt you. So we're gonna talk about some tips that I've done in my own personal life in dealing with this stuff and hopefully can help you.
Speaker 1: (02:28)
Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy.
(02:51)
. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.
Speaker 1: (03:25)
Alright, so let's dive in. Accepting that narcissists are the way they are, can be challenging. 'cause again, it's awful, especially if you've had personal experiences with them, which is why you guys are here. So here's some steps to help you navigate the process. Number one, and this helped me in a big way, is educating yourself. So that's what you're doing here. I definitely talk about why narcissists are the way they are or why they do certain things, right? Those are, in some of my episodes, you can dig you. I mean, there's a whole plethora. You can go on TikTok, you can go on Google, you can listen to podcasts, you can read books, right? Just make sure it's from a credible source. But understanding the psychological roots and the traits associated with them can give you a little more insight into first just why they do what they do, right?
Speaker 1: (04:14)
Because if you just know a narcissist is a certain way, it's like, that's awful. Why would anyone be that way? So you dig into the why's, and if you work with me one-on-one, we can go even further into that. So it depends, you know, people talk to me about all sorts of things, and that is sometimes we really delve into that because it is important that you understand. Number two, recognizing you cannot change them. Let's say that one again. You cannot change a narcissist. You have to accept, you cannot change their behavior or personality. I mean, this should go for most people. I don't wanna change anybody. I don't want to be in a relationship where I really have to change someone. Yes, you might have compromising whatever, but I wanna throw that as a general rule. Let's not try to change people or be changed, right?
Speaker 1: (05:00)
And narcissists, yes, it'd be great if they changed because they're generally awful. So I'd just letting you know that's not possible. It is not possible. So narcissists typically have deeply ingrained patterns of this thinking of this behavior. That is it. It's just they're set in their way so much, it's so deeply ingrained. They have themselves convinced of all the things we see. Even if we see like a touch of good or good times, that's either a mask or they're in a very vulnerable moment, which is very rare, and they will not stay in that moment for long. I've experienced that. And that's when we can kind of get our heartstrings pulled or, or like pulled back in. Usually it is actually very manipulative and it's calculated on their end if they are seemingly good and have that mask on, right? So they have a tendency to lack empathy, okay?
Speaker 1: (05:53)
That's not something they have inside of them and self-awareness. So if they're not self-aware, they're not going to change. That's why narcissists are one of the most least likely people that suffer from mental disorder to actually change because the lack of self-awareness and the lack of empathy, right? They're very disconnected. So it's extremely hard to try to get them to change. I would say I, I, I can't, don't quote me on this, but I'd say it's like 0.0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0. I could get all the zeros 0.1% that they can change. Never even worth it to try to get to that. By the time you would get there, it probably wouldn't even happen. But if you did, you'd be 95 and there goes your life. Okay? We don't have time for that. Number three, setting realistic expectations. So adjusting your expectations when interacting with them. You could use the gray rock method for this.
Speaker 1: (06:51)
Please go search. I will try to remember to link the gray rock method, uh, episode I have, but recognizing that their behavior might not align with the typical social norms and preparing for that. So the first part of this is preparing for that, preparing, knowing they're gonna be self-centered, they're gonna be an. Like we shouldn't be surprised at this point, guys. And what do you do? That's the little I'm adding in a little. What do you do with that? Is the gray rock method? Okay, they're manipulative. Expect all those things. Go and expecting it. Don't go in thinking, well, maybe they're gonna be nice today, they can wear a mask. Sure, but I wouldn't expect it. Never go in expecting it. Number four, establish your boundaries. So establishing and maintaining strong personal boundaries when dealing with narcissists is key. The only thing you can control is yourself and your boundaries.
Speaker 1: (07:49)
Like you cannot control these people no matter what you say or do. If you have like one minute of control because they're desperate to keep you or something. It's, it's a very short window where they will even wear that mask. They can only do it for so long. So you have to set your boundaries, limit your exposure to them. I mean, if you know me, I'm gonna remind you my number one advice with a narcissist is do not be involved with a narcissist. Period per, if you have to, you need to limit any exposure to them. That is not necessary. That means if you are co-parenting, yes, you're going to have to talk to them at some point. I would document everything, keep it on email, or you can get those apps where you can share it with your, um, attorneys. So they're watching everything that they say.
Speaker 1: (08:38)
You have to, I think both sign off on that in your paperwork, but limiting your conversations and communications with them and really keeping it very low engagement is so important. That will protect you from the emotional harm. Again, if you have to have contact, there's that gray rock method. Number five, don't take it personally. Guess what? This is never about you. And this is what so many of my clients come in feeling. What did I do wrong? Wrong? Why did this person pick me? Sure, you may have traits that you're a loving, awesome, amazing person, which drew them in, but that's not a fault and that's not something we want to change about you, right? So understand their behavior is not a reflection of your worth or your value. Their actions are honestly driven by their own insecurities. And if you've been studying narcissism or a little more now, you know that.
Speaker 1: (09:38)
But a lot of people don't think that. A lot of people think narcissists are very confident, no deep, deep down in their black hole of a soul. . If they are highly insecure and they need validation, and that means they need control. And what are narcissists always looking for control or trying to get control back, right? They're, they're checking in, do I have control? If not, how can I get it back? So always remember those things, but do not take it personally. It's never, ever, ever, ever about you. They're gonna behave like to anyone that they get as their closest victim in their relationships. I mean, trust me, if you are involved with the narcissist, you've seen the side and they can put on a great fake face out in society and in their community and they maybe they're charismatic and loved by all, anyone who spends an a good amount of time with them will see that they are.
Speaker 1: (10:32)
Okay? It's not you honey, it ain't you. Number six, of course, this is the hard one. This is like what we're kind of talking about, managing your emotions. So you actually have to practice emotional self-regulation when you are interacting with them. So they do these attempts to provoke you, right? They want a reaction. Knowing that was part of half my battle. It's like, wait, now I know they actually are looking for a reaction because they want control. They wanna know they're on top. So that almost emboldened me more to be like, mm-hmm. I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction. No, I'm not. So that really did help me to maintain my composure, right? And just, I would count in my head sometimes. I'd like, all right, breathe. He wants control. What are we gonna do? We're not gonna give it to him. We are not gonna give him the satisfaction and it's not gonna be good for me.
Speaker 1: (11:23)
Because the more you react, the faster that ball of hell just spins, right? And then there's the more engagement. You're taking the bait. What do I always say? Don't take the bait. 'cause the second you take that bait, you get wrapped in that rapid fire hell that that they control. And then you're out of control. So you have to say, do I wanna let this person gain control of me or I, or do I wanna keep my together? Take some breaths. And we've done a lot of episodes here on yoga, meditation, talking about all that. So go binge to find out about the nervous system regulation. There's episodes specifically on that. Um, but managing your emotions during the conversations, it takes practice. But I highly recommend it. Again, if you can have little to no contact, that's the best. Number seven, seeking support. I always talk about this 'cause it's so important.
Speaker 1: (12:19)
I could not have been where I am without it. So find a therapist who has been through narcissistic abuse themselves. If not, here I am. Here I am. I'm with you. Unfortunately, I've gone through it. I've gone through it and oh, my life is so much better. And this is why I do what I do, because I want people who have gone through this abuse, people who are going through this, that get that visceral reaction that just want to finally gain peace. Gain peace. I want you to have that joy and that freedom and that peace. So if you're ready for that, look in the show notes. Sign up with me for a one-on-one sesh, and let's do this because without help, it is very hard. I'm just gonna be honest with you. It is, it's very difficult. So whether that's a therapist, me talking to friends and family obviously helps, but unless someone's been through it and they're on the other side, it's just not going to get you that much further in your journey.
Speaker 1: (13:15)
So are you ready? That is the question you have to ask yourself, right? Are you ready? You might have to change your life a little bit. I was right at that point. I'm like, I do. I will do anything to get rid of these feelings and have peace and joy, like give it to me. So I signed up, I did a uh, therapist, and then I worked with a life coach, and I did a lot of my own work. And now I'll be honest, I know I'm a better support than even my therapist was Nothing against her. She was great. So she was great. But what I know and what I've been through is so much more, and I'm either even further along than she is in her journey. And I know that for a fact. Again, it's nothing. We're all on our own timeline, right?
Speaker 1: (13:58)
But, so I know how helpful I can be in someone's journey and how much I can accelerate your journey. So yes, go, go sign up for that fi first call. Number eight, practice empathy. This one, it's tricky, right? We're talking about all this stuff and like, oh wait, but I, I'm supposed to empathize. I will say this though. This does not mean you have to forgive and forget and have a relationship with this person. Having empathy for me looks like this. I pray for this person. One specifically in my life. I pray for them. I pray that they find peace and healing. I understand their brain was not created in the same way. I don't understand it all. Is it chemical? Is it environmental? Is it both? Maybe all of the above, right? That to me, it's sad. I have empathy for it. It doesn't matter enough for me to say, Hey, that's okay.
Speaker 1: (14:52)
Well, and give it an excuse. That's not it. You can empathize and say, that really sucks. This person has to live like this every day of their lives. I feel horrible for this person. I do. I look at their life and I'm like, man, what an awful life to live like this every day. To the point, you're that miserable with yourself. You're that in need for validation and control. It's sad. It is sad to watch. It's not my though. So don't be fooled. I'm not going to let that person take advantage of me. I'm not gonna be in a relationship with that person. I do have empathy and I do pray for them. So you can practice your version of empathy if that might help you, right? It doesn't excuse it again, but sometimes it can help you see them as a more complex individual with their own struggles.
Speaker 1: (15:40)
You know me Number nine is self-care. Self-care. Self-care. Girl queen, queen bee. You have to prioritize your own wellbeing. So engage in activities that bring you joy. Practice mindfulness. You know, I'm all about that yoga, that yin yoga, especially meditation, things that slow you down where you might be uncomfortable at first, but bust through it. It's worth it. Trust me. Exercising and anything honestly that like brings you joy. It's simple singing. Like take a class. I'm gonna start back up actually with voice lessons again, I love to sing and I haven't been practicing as much, so I'm like, Ooh, I really wanna do something again. Like I need, I need another class, but I'm gonna probably join a gym this year. I do different things for exercise and movement, whatever. I'm gonna join a gym. They have a bunch of classes, they have a swimming pool.
Speaker 1: (16:36)
So excited for that. I'm like, I'm gonna do something else. So I'm gonna do sing voice lessons again too. I love singing. What do you love to do? Do a class, get, get in front of other people. Connect. I'm telling you again, connection relationships are so, so important. And just having support in your life in general and when you've been through abuse, surrounding yourself with loving amazing people is that it's so freaking healing. It's, it's awesome. Number 10, like I said, consider limiting the contact. How do we do that to actually get there? It's more than this episode can take us. So if you work one-on-one with me, we dive deeper into all of these things. I talk about. We, there's a lot of the touching on, oh, what do you do? But like we go deeper into the how. How do we actually do these things, right?
Speaker 1: (17:27)
That is the stuff that takes some more time. It takes a one-on-one coaching. So if you are ready, if you are ready to get peace in your life and stop feeling how you're feeling, go sign up. Link is in the show notes as always. Let's do that first call and break through and at least get that first stepping stone into your amazing future, future, future. All right? I'm still on vacation. Crazy mode. All right, you guys, thank you so much for listening. Please leave a review if you have not and you're on Apple. Go ahead and leave a review and make me so happy and would help. It will help my podcast get to more people and we wanna help everybody we can. So do that. Sign up for a one-on-one session with me and I will see you in the next step.