Manage episode 294630020 series 2911797
Figs and Teale share a session digging into a recurring negative cycle triggered by waiting and discuss the difference between vulnerable or "Primary" feelings and "Secondary" blaming reactions and how even the littlest of things can have a big impact.
01:06 Chit-chat, "This couples counseling thing is really good for us."
02:10 Introduction to session — The hurt behind the negative cycle
04:33 Teale's example: The Pursuer / Relentless Lover's perspective
05:56 The Withdrawer / Reluctant Lover's perspective
06:39 Negative infinity loop
07:14 Understanding "Primary" and "Secondary"
09:30 Finding the primary within Teale's example
10:51 Session begins — "We can get in a cycle"
10:59 Habits: Figs gives himself extra time, Teale fits in as much as she can
11:56 Top of cycle: Figs feels let down when by Teale's style of task/time management
13:13 Teale describes becoming defensive, pissed off in turn
14:54 Teale describes how she eventually shifts into placating Figs
16:57 Figs feels like he's overly sensitive — exploring waiting and overwhelm
18:56 Top of the cycle recap: Figs feels alone and blames Teale, Teale defends herself
19:21 The deeper rounds: Figs feels self-protective
20:28 "Legit" Statistic: Teale initiates repair 99.99% of the time
20:46 Relationship shift: "Teale will tell me all the possible things I will do to make things better and how none of them will work."
21:53 Figs feels even more trapped
22:54 Going to Alaska: Figs is inclined to stay in disconnection because of feelings of unworthiness
24:39 Teale feels frustrated and alone when Figs pulls away
26:48 Figs feels he gets in trouble when he thinks he's "the good one" and says so, but Teale is so far above Figs when she's the good one he doesn't know where to go
27:36 Teale's vulnerable / connected moment during yesterday's conflict
29:45 Teale feels she's pulling from a depleted well to be able to repair
31:53 Teale has a story inside of, "All men have hurt me"
33:02 Seeing her side of the dance — when she has a part of it and when she doesn't
34:00 Connecting with each other in a Primary way, Figs is in and above the process
35:36 Session ends — Studying their own negative interactionary cycle, Primary and Secondary
36:52 Being in the process vs the solution
38:30 It's gonna be messy, and that's okay
40:02 Summarizing the cycle
42:58 Figs' takeaway: Even little things touch big feelings inside
45:42 Goodbyes — keep fighting the good fight!
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