Seeing The Negative Cycle

Come Here To Me: Relationship Experts Walk the Talk

In "Seeing The Negative Cycle" Figs and Karen take a close look at the makeup of The Cycle, a concept from Emotionally-Focused Therapy.

A cycle is the negative "infinity loop" every couple inevitably encounters in their relationship, which shows up for partners as conflict they get into over and over.

Download the infinity loop sheet: https://get.empathi.com/episodes/seeing-the-negative-cycle

Figs describes it as a river that is always running underneath your house, but which only rises above ground-level from time to time. The emotional bonding dynamic in your relationship is ever-present, but is most easily accessed in moments of conflict.

To recognize that you are in a negative cycle, Karen suggests paying attention to the language you are using (such as "You always–" and "You never–"), and to what is going on in yourself (are you triggered or reacting with fight/flight/freeze/fawn behaviors)?

Figs explains that if you are experiencing any of the 4 quadrants of the infinity loop, then you are in a cycle.

These quadrants are… You are hurting, you have a negative judgment of your partner, your partner is hurting, and your partner has a negative judgment of you.

Each of these feed into and result from each other, and so if one of those elements is present, Figs emphasizes that it's highly likely they are all present.

All roads to a better relationship pass through "We are in a system together."

Understanding The Cycle is the first step.