When the Adaptive Child Insists on Prevailing

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

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In this conversation, Kristy and Jerry explore the concept of the 'adaptive child'—the immature part of ourselves that can dominate our reactions during conflicts. They discuss how to navigate situations when one partner is stuck in this state for an extended period, emphasizing the importance of self-care, compassion, and understanding. The dialogue highlights the significance of timing, safety, and the role of personal energy in communication. They also address the anxiety that can arise in relationships and the necessity of being able to choose to stay in a relationship without desperation. Ultimately, they provide insights on how to approach conflicts with curiosity and connection, while also recognizing when it may be necessary to step away for one's own well-being. In this conversation, Jerry and Kristy explore the concept of the 'adaptive child' and how it manifests in relationships. They discuss the importance of emotional awareness, recognizing when one is in a defensive state, and the nature of disagreements. The dialogue emphasizes the need for empathy, self-reflection, and effective communication to navigate conflicts. They also role-play a conflict resolution scenario, highlighting the significance of accountability and humility in maintaining healthy relationships.
Chapters
00:00 Understanding the Adaptive Child
02:48 Navigating Extended Triggers in Relationships
05:55 Self-Care and Compassion During Conflict
08:52 The Importance of Timing and Safety
11:55 Managing Anxiety and Relationship Fears
15:00 Choosing to Stay in a Relationship
18:09 The Role of Energy in Communication
21:07 Curiosity and Connection in Conflict Resolution
23:52 Knowing When to Step Away
25:44 Understanding the Adaptive Child
28:26 The Nature of Disagreements in Relationships
29:52 Navigating Rabbit Holes and Emotional States
31:54 Role-Playing Conflict Resolution
36:09 Empathy and Understanding in Communication
40:51 Self-Reflection and Personal Growth in Relationships
43:24 The Importance of Accountability and Humility