Let’s talk about you and me - Effective communication in relationships

The Relationship Maze

In today's episode we are talking about effective, verbal communication in relationships. While there are many ways of expressing love and care most relationship experts would agree that talking effectively to each other is crucial in any form of relationship. We discuss how to set the scene for effective communication, how not to communicate and what you will need to address when communicating effectively. Learning to listen to your partner and expressing what you are experiencing are the key blocks of any form of communication.
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We are always communicating with our partner - be it through words or gestures. Even when we are purposefully not communicating, we are sending a message across that we are frustrated, angry, punishing etc.
Talking to your partner is important. It's not the only way of building a good relationship; doing things together that you enjoy are also important. There are many ways of staying connected. In this episode our focus is on verbal communication.
How to communicate
Make time for each other to listen and express regularly. Establish clear rules for talking to each other if there is conflict.
If there is a difficulty you want to address make sure that

• you bring up the concern as soon as possible
• your partner is ready to receive you, i.e. not distracted by sending off another work email
• you bring up one concern at a time - don't overwhelm your partner with a shopping list of complaints
• don't bring up the past by saying 'you always', 'you never', '5 years ago...' - stick with the present
• you don't use blaming language. Start by letting your partner know what you are experiencing. Use 'I feel...' statements.

How not to communicate
Avoid the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse - attitudes and behaviours that research of the John Gottman Institute found particularly undermining in relationships:
Criticism - attacking your partner regularly. Not critiquing or expressing your frustration but having a go with at your partner with all round attacks such as 'why are you always so...', 'you're the type of person..., 'you never...'
Contempt - putting your partner down and being mean with the intention to insult and hurt. Feeling morally superior. This is the single most predictor of relationships heading for separation.
Defensiveness - usually happens in response to criticism. Seeing yourself as the victim who is under attack. Denying any form of responsibility.
Stonewalling - often in response to contempt. Withdrawing completely from the conversation by changing the subject, being monosyllabic or leaving the room.
What to talk about
In order to understand where your partner is coming from or indeed gaining insight into your own ways of feeling and thinking, having a conversation with your partner helps to address

• expectations
  • what are your underlying assumptions about relationships, what do you want your partner to do or not do
  • what are your boundaries and when do they get crossed
  • what values you both hold
• clarifications
  • what did you or your partner mean when they said or did a certain thing - what was their intention
• frustrations
  • letting your partner know how a certain behaviour, statement or action impacts on you.
• love affirmations
  • telling your partner how you feel about them. Not taking it for granted that your partner knows how much you love them.

Remember that communication is always about connection. Even when you argue you do so because you are seeking connection.

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