Marriage is hard as hell! We wives deal with so many things that make us question ourselves in so many areas from our ability to be #wifegoals to motherhood and being a boss chick! Without a blueprint we struggle to align our womanhood with our sexuality against our smarts and social lives; not to mention the total adjustment and discomfort to have a man invading your space. Join Kendra, Adalis and LaMechia as we banter through the highs and lows and all the love of being a wife.
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Join therapists Jerry Sander & Kristy Gaisford as we look at both the hard truths, and joys, that accompany intimate relationships. Our perspective is personal, practical and based on experience: we've both been married, divorced, and married again after finding great partners for our second marriages. (Both of us had four children apiece in our first marriages; Kristy has four step-children in her second one). Both of us maintain relationally-focused private therapy practices, focusing on c ...
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I drink coffee and talk about stuff. Fitness, Diet, Finances, Business, Movies, Faith, fighting, MMA, Marvel, D.C. Family, Marriage, parenting, the kitchen sink, etc...
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When the Adaptive Child Insists on Prevailing
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Send us a text In this conversation, Kristy and Jerry explore the concept of the 'adaptive child'—the immature part of ourselves that can dominate our reactions during conflicts. They discuss how to navigate situations when one partner is stuck in this state for an extended period, emphasizing the importance of self-care, compassion, and understand…
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Send us a text In this conversation, Jerry and Kristy discuss the importance of self-soothing in relationships. They define self-soothing as the ability to observe oneself and step in to soothe oneself before reacting negatively. They explore different techniques for self-soothing, such as deep breathing, listening to soothing music, spending time …
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Send us a text Jerry and Kristy discuss the gap that can exist between "having good sessions" and actual change taking place, for either an individual or a couple. Tips for bringing the best of therapy to your actual relationship life are shared.על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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Making the Most of Your Time Together
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Send us a text It's almost astonishing how -- after lamenting how little time we "get" to spend with our partner -- we routinely ignore the basics of positive connection in the time we finally set aside to be together. Kristy and Jerry review how some of these dynamics work and suggest corrective measures that can enhance your relational health.…
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Send us a text The perils and pluses of reaching a diagnostic understanding about your partner are considered. Voicing diagnostic lingo to your partner is considered in terms of being an usually-losing tactic. Of special consideration when one of the couple is a therapist her/himself....על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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Send us a text Jerry & Kristy take an extended look at the process of repair. Frequently misunderstood as a "moment" it is actually a relational project that requires vulnerability, bravery and follow-through. Specific applications of the process of repair to four different fight-scenarios are illustrated.…
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Send us a text Couples usually stumble over this ever-present elephant-in-the-room; what if you have different backgrounds, expectations and habits when it comes to personal finances? What are the implications for the two of you as a couple? How do you even begin to talk about it? Jerry and Kristy ponder this out loud, with numerous common examples…
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Send us a text Jerry and Kristy consider the thorny impact of worldwide patriarchy on the way we function in our relationships. Alternative models are considered, as well as an understanding of how the status-quo we were born into results in a bad deal for both men and women.על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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Everything Breaks; Most Gets Fixed
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Send us a text You know the feeling when you just want to throw things away? When one too many things have occurred and you would just love to get rid of things (or your partner?) instead of working to fix them? Jerry ponders the convergence of a number of mechanical breakdowns that came his way as Kristy puts it in context of the ever-present chal…
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Send us a text What role does our ego play in helping, or hindering, connection with our partner? Kristy & Jerry unpack some of this together. Jerry reports some about his travel to Southern India and how long it took him to finally unpack after returning.על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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What If Your Partner Doesn't Want To Do "The Work"?
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Send us a text It's more rare than we would like that both partners in a couple approach "the work" of behavioral change with the same intensity, at the same rate, and in the same way. What happens if one person is much more enthusiastic about "doing the work" than the other partner? Kristy and Jerry consider this in today's episode.…
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Send us a text Memorable, highly-charged words and phrases are frequently heard in couples' therapists' offices. What they mean -- how they are understood between people who claim to love each other -- is often highly debatable and unclear. Jerry and Kristy try to translate some meanings in today's episode.…
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Send us a text An addict's path to recovery necessarily involves making amends and becoming more relational to the people around you whom you've wounded. But often people get caught at the "dry-drunk" phase, don't do the relational work (despite 12-step groups' encouragement to do so) and the very process of recovery can attain a familiarly selfish…
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The Challenge of Blended Families
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Send us a text It's not always The Brady Bunch. In fact, it almost never is. Kristy and Jerry explore some of the dynamics at work for members of blended families and try to "right-size" expectations to maximize opportunities for natural connections.על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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Send us a text Ahhhh...The Holidays. They are already here, and we are already scrambling to try to extract the maximum amount of family happiness and connection from situations that can also offer confusion, old, unresolved situations, things-out-of-left-field, financial stress, arguments and large amounts of stress or depression. Still, it is pos…
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Send us a text Jerry and Kristy express their gratitude for the people, places and things in their lives, with a particular focus on their respective relationships. Being able to extract, and express, gratitude for that hard things that are learned as part of the growth-edge that relationships bring is the Advanced Class. Our best efforts are requi…
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Send us a text Whether it is childhood trauma(s), the effects of societal prejudices, discrimination and stigmatizing or more recent adult losses of a traumatic nature, the ripple effects of trauma is shared with our partner in relationships. Kristy and Jerry ponder the wide-ranging effects of this in presenting challenges to intimacy in relationsh…
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Send us a text Do you ever feel strongly at emotional odds with most things around you? And then whether or not you are off-your-rocker and possibly The Problem because of being crazy? Just....different from others, in a major way? You aren't alone at all. Being overwhelmed by feelings -- and not feeling like they are seen and valued by those close…
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Send us a text Our religious upbringings -- or non-religious upbringings -- can have implications and repercussions for our later intimate relationships, the likes of which we likely hadn't considered. Jerry & Kristy discuss.על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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Rewriting (Relationship) History
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Send us a text Kristy & Jerry consider what happens when we, for one reason or another, remember only certain aspects of our most important relationships. We deny, or ignore, important things at a cost; recovery of all the layers of a relationship may be painful, but worth it.על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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Send us a text What's it like for you to be in a couple and to celebrate these special occasions? Or...not? What happens, for the couple, when these days roll around and either are celebrated, ignored or recognized in a less-than-satisfying way? Jerry and Kristy contemplate these things and more.על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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The Fine Line Between Letting Things Go & Enabling
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Send us a text Kristy and Jerry untangle the thorny areas in which personal boundaries seem to be challenged by our partner's desire to control us, when -- in fact -- it is often about emotional needs we can all relate to it. The seed for solutions lay in a relational approach, neither in confrontation nor denial.…
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Send us a text Adding an additional person to your household offers unique challenges and rewards for a couple, but undeniably is one of the most profound relationship shifts you'll undergo in your lives together. Kristy and Jerry ponder some of these effects and speak out loud about things that too often not spoken about because....well, because i…
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Just How Much Intimacy Do I Really Want?
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Send us a text Jerry and Kristy wrestle with the reality that every couple has different levels of desire when it comes to ongoing closeness and intimacy. Like so many other markers of social and emotional health, intimacy might be best viewed on a continuum.על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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Send us a text We all know THOSE kind of arguments; when one of us just will not give in, because giving in means giving up and conceding defeat in what feels like a life-and-death battle. But when we consider it at a safe distance, well...what is really going on? And how could these things be handled better? Jerry and Kristy consider this, give so…
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Being Happy When Your Partner Isn't
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Send us a text Kristy and Jerry consider the awkward dynamics that can ensue when partners aren't aligned in their levels of happiness or sadness on any given day, week or month. What, exactly, is your level of "responsibility" and what isn't? How can this be approached with kindness and sensitivity?…
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Getting Your Self-Esteem From Social Media
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Send us a text Jerry & Kristy consider what happens when the primary source of our self-esteem comes from our social media applications. What are the implications for our relationships?על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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Cancelling Toxic Relationships (And Aren't We All A Little Toxic?)
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Send us a text Kristy and Jerry consider the phenomena of "cancellation" as a reactive move; when is it exactly the right thing, and when is it exactly the wrong thing? How does fast-easy cancellation, "ghosting," etc. work against our developing abilities to be relational?על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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Send us a text A frequently heard complaint in couples' sessions is deconstructed and discussed. Are there any bad people here, or are two people seeking to be seen and valued in different ways when there is an obvious disconnect re: sexual needs? What are the ways to meet in a mutually appreciated way, where boundaries are respected AND needs are …
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Does Your Attachment Style Sabotage You?
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Send us a text Kristy and Jerry discuss lasting styles of attachment and the difficulties these can pose for our partners. (And ourselves!) And...it somehow all makes sense. Can this be worked on with health in a relationship and result in improvements? Absolutely, yes. Can you change your partner's fundamental attachment style??? Well, now....time…
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Send us a text The intimate connections offered by our home life can go either way: towards snippy, isolated/isolating, defensive interactions or towards ever-greater connectedness and satisfactions. Jerry and Kristy consider this, in action, and conclude with a fight (done both from a less-mature point of view AND a wise-adult stance).…
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Send us a text Jerry & Kristy consider the dual nature of words, as they are used in relationships. On the one hand they matter very much -- as they can be source of great pain or comfort. On the other hand some of the most profound moments of your relationship have very little with words. As with most tools humans use to connect or disconnect with…
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Send us a text The fine (self-defeating) art of making small disappointments, disagreements and conflicts into major demonstrations of disastrous proportions is discussed by Kristy and Jerry. Alternatives are considered. We also -- finally -- resume our end-of-podcast fights, illustrating better ways of handling disappointments than couples often r…
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Send us a text Jerry and Kristy explore the shaping of our self-esteem -- and the impact on later relationships -- that occurs related to our own body image issues. The impact of early family influences, societal messaging, the internet and advertising on internalized shame and doubt is profound, and shapes what we bring into our relationship with …
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Send us a text How can you go about figuring if a relationship is really over? Whether you'd be happier without it? Kristy and Jerry discuss the intricacies of deciding when separating and ending a relationship is the right thing to do. Alternately: how can you come to peace with things that annoy you in your partner that just never seem to change?…
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Send us a text Jerry and Kristy consider all the variations in "leaving" and the repercussions for the relationship. Healthy alternatives for taking space are considered. As usual, we have a fight at the end and show a better way of doing that.על ידי Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW
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Send us a text Kristy and Jerry discuss the challenges and opportunities that exist when one member of a couple goes through changes about their religious beliefs (and practices). Does it always have to be a deal-breaker of epic proportions for the couple? And...what about any children who may be watching?…
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Send us a text Kristy and Jerry take a deeper look at how self-esteem (yours!) remains at the core of a relationship's chances for success. The futility of trying to change your partner while not feeling good enough about yourself (or even knowing your own needs) is discussed, with special attention paid to each of the four quadrants conceptualized…
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Do you ever wonder if you're truly doing your part in your marriage? Like, are you loving well? What does it even mean to love well? And what can you do if you're not? If so, this is the episode for you! Get in on the conversation with LaKendra and LaMechia as they unpack some fierce tools for equipping you for marriage success?…
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Have you ever wondered what makes someone perfect for you? Do you find yourself dating and coming up short every time? Need a little insight on what you're really looking for? Well, join in on the conversation with LaKendra & LaMechia as they give you tips on what the perfect make should be giving and brining into your life!…
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Send us a text Is your partner a narcissist? And what are the implications if the answer is "Yes"? Is this term over-used, or under-recognized? What possibilities realistically exist for someone who is in a relationship with a narcissist? Jerry and Kristy wrestle with this in today's episode.על ידי Kristy Gaisford, Jerry Sander
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Are you in the dating pool trying to figure out if you should try and make it last forever or if you should cut and run? Well join LaKendra and LaMechia as they share and discuss 5 signs that the man you're currently dating isn't the right one. Also dish on all things Wakanda Forever and marriage values!…
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Send us a text You know the feeling; that moment when your spouse asks you to do something that you absolutely, honestly DON'T want to do. But they enjoy it. What do you do? Radical honesty in the direction of "taking care of myself"? Or....aren't there just times where you have to "bite the bullet" and "take one for the team"? And how is this diff…
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Copy of Messy Marriage Traps - RECAST
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In a world were everyone wants to spice things up while having a happily ever after marriage, there is a huge stop gap in some areas! Where is the line between spicy and too far? What things can I do safely and what things should I steer clear of? You're wondering and we've got answers! Join in on the conversation as we delve into some of traps tha…
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Send us a text What happens, for a couple, after one partner has had an affair and it is now out in the open? What are the best things you can do (and the worst ones)? How long is the healing process? Is it really true that going through this together can lead to a closer relationship that existed previously? Jerry and Kristy consider it.…
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Jump into the conversation with LaKendra and LaMechia as they delve into the hard truths of making new girlfriends and learning when to dissolve those friendships.על ידי LaKendra Adesuyi, Lamechia Dixon
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What's wrong with Big D Energy, or wait do you call it toxic masculinity? We have a lot to unpack and lay on the table. Join LaKendra and LaMechia as we discuss the good and the bad of Big D Energy!על ידי LaKendra Adesuyi, LaMechia Dixon
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Send us a text Talking about money -- and how it affects your relationship -- is one of the hardest things for a couple to do. Without even knowing that we are responding to our family of origin's stories and values we often develop resentments and major barriers to intimacy with our partners and don't know how to begin talking about it. Jerry and …
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In this week's episodes, we are talking about that infamous saying “ I’m fine”....But are you really sis?! Tune in as we breakdown ways to communicate what's really going on when we say those words, and how to save your partner from a cold bed!!!על ידי Tamara Derouselle, Lamechia Dixon, Adalis Jones
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When I Need You The Most, You Disappear
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Send us a text Kristy and Jerry explore some of the most challenging types of disconnected moments between couples. How comfortable are men with crying, or big expressions of emotion? Do men run and duck, looking for cover, abandoning spouses, emotionally, just when their connected presence is needed the most? How can this cycle be broken?…
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