N4L 60: Repost - "How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who's Sick" by Letty Cottin Pogrebin

Nonfiction4Life

At age 70, Letty Cottin Pogrebin felt fit as a fiddle on that fateful day she walked three miles to her routine mammogram. A founding editor of Ms. (magazine) and women’s rights activist, she had energy and to spare until she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Facing six weeks of radiation treatment, she was now obligated to join others in the waiting room of Memorial Sloan-Kettering in New York City. So, putting on her journalist hat, she began interviewing fellow patients. The result? How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who’s Sick–an invaluable handbook about “The New Illness Etiquette” for both the sick and their friends.

00:10 Intro to Letty Cottin Pogrebin, book author and founding editor of Ms. (magazine)

01:15 Flu and cold season begins

01:45 Pogrebin gets a routine mammogram at age 70

02:10 Breast cancer diagnosis comes without warning signs

04:00 Shares news of cancer and radiation with close friends via email

05:00 Searches in vain for a book about sickness and friendship

05:50 Interviews waiting-room patients for How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who’s Sick

06:31 Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center attracts people the world over

07:45 Discovers discrepancies between their the experiences and wishes of sick people

08:15 Unexpectedly learns about caregivers’ needs

09:30 Illness has a ripple effect, touching families and friends

09:50 Bottom line: people want to be honest—both the sick and their friends

10:40 What a friend should be able to ask a sick friend

11:10 What a sick person should be able to say to a friend

11:55 Truth-telling and “The New Illness Etiquette”

12:30 A friend reacts perfectly to Pogrebin’s diagnosis

13:15 Asking “Do you want to talk about it?” gives a sick person control

13:25 Other lines that are both true and helpful

14:30 Sick people don’t want to hear or answer, “How are you?”

15:55 Their responses can overwhelm friends with TMI

16:15 Asking “What’s happening?” gives patient control over how much to disclose

17:30 Nobody wants to be labeled sick (such as “cancer girl”)

18:15 Saying, “You look great!” can give false reassurance and seem disingenuous

18:30 “Empathy translated into action equals kindness”

18:50 “Illness is friendship’s proving ground”

19:15 Guidelines for visiting sick friends – be considerate

20:40 Guidelines for giving gifts to sick friends – pay attention to diagnoses

21:00 Examples of inappropriate gifts and insensitive comments

22:30 Personalize a friend’s illness to the point you know what gifts to give

24:15 Humor and laughter depend entirely on how well you know the patient

24:50 Remembers laughing at Marlo Thomas’s funny jokes

26:00 Disparages fruit baskets and extols massages (and other sensitive gifts)

27:20 Why ice cream scoops adorn the book cover

28:50 Contrasts generous gifts with the gift she really wanted

29:15 Follow up “What would you like?” with “You know I’m bringing something.”

30:25 Illustrates differences between sick men and sick women

30:50 25% of men interviewed hadn’t disclosed their illness

31:15 Tells a heartbreaking story of Orthodox Jewish man hiding his cancer diagnosis

33:45 Cultural and gender barriers prevent many men from sharing the truth

34:10 Women tend to feel comfortable confiding in close friends

35:30 The book includes many lists for how to be helpful & honest

36:00 First step: learn what to say to a friend who’s sick (“Do no harm.”)

36:20 Also, learn appropriate things to say to the bereaved

37:10 Recommendation – Ryan Hamilton: Happy Face (on Netflix)

BUY How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who’s Sick

Watch the trailer for Ryan Hamilton: Happy Face.

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Special thanks…

• Music Credit
• Sound Editing Credit